I wish someone could give me some kind of theoretical framework for understanding what is going on with me energetically, physiologically, and psychologically right now. I am really clueless about what I am experiencing, what it means, how I am supposed to work with it. It was kind of a strange day and I kind of felt like I could not talk to anyone about anything. It wasn’t just that I could not speak out loud, the idea of writing in Spanish felt pretty much the same way, and when I started reading this book, La Lista de Suerte, for the first couple pages I could hardly focus on it and it felt like I wasn’t familiar with Spanish suddenly though as I kept reading that started to get better pretty quickly and then I started having a desire to write dialogue in Spanish, too, though I haven’t attempted it and something in me is so scared for some reason. I feel like I can only take so much of being approached by another person right now. I can’t seem to deal with saying anything to anyone and I can’t really deal with hearing much from anyone either so communicating back and forth in any way feels out of the question and it has so much to do with these strange energies going on inside of me that I don’t understand at all.
I noticed while the Ceragem bed was working on my back today that some of the toxins I was feeling in my spine have something to do with these sudden fluctuations as far as ability with languages. I don’t know what but when lots of energy and whatever it is gets built up in there it is incredibly hard to think linguistically at all and I guess I can keep writing like this in English because I am used to doing it every day and I’m not thinking about it but if someone approached me to talk in English, unless they approached me in just the right way that gave me space and helped me nourish my nervous system somehow without my having to use too many words, I don’t know if I could do it much better than I can do it in Spanish. Right now I can write in English and I could probably write in Spanish if I decided to just do it but I don’t really feel capable of speaking in any language right now. I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest interactions, so the kinds of interactions I had today, after that embarrassing moment this morning, were really good, as they didn’t require much of me at all. Rosalba, for example, talked to me about chilaquiles (and then a little while brought me some!) but did not expect me to engage in conversation.
A couple of other details from this afternoon: while I was waiting for my food and eating at Granada Vegan Kitchen they had the TV on with Men in Black III playing silently with Spanish subtitles. When I left, after I heard Wonderwall, there was a song about freezing cold bedsheets, and that is all I caught, which was a little strange as I mentioned that today was the first day at Ceragem they had me put down my own sheets. I got back to the cabaña and I was really tired. I kind of tried to sleep but I don’t know if I fell asleep or not. I was sort of meditating and then got tired and either slept or just about slept but then I started feeling this overwhelming anxious energy, like needing to crawl out of my body somehow energy. Really uncomfortable feelings in my back and then… I don’t know if I would call it anxiety because it was not about anything at all but just really overwhelming active restless energy that made me want to get out of my body somehow. I would feel it in my heart and then the feeling would intensify and I’d just feel this really uncomfortable restless agitation that feels like some kind of energy overload all around my body. I tried to be mindful of it, to stay with what was happening, to hold it in a larger frame, but the energies were so intense that I could not think. I know that meditation isn’t about thinking but the energies were so intense and kept changing so quickly and there was no space in all that energy for me to intentionally think if I wanted to, and I needed to kind of think for a minute, to figure out which of so many meditation techniques I might use to be with what was going on, but every time I found a half a second to try to think what I was feeling changed so if I came up with anything at all it immediately didn’t feel appropriate anymore.
Oh, I am suddenly remembering how the meditation started: I was experiencing myself as the ocean, as a vast open space, and everything I experience as the waves in that ocean. I was having insights into sharing the same consciousness as other human beings, the same ground of being, and of being deep, empty, undefinable. I was experiencing myself as the emptiness beyond all of the stuff that we usually take ourselves to be and I guess that was peaceful but then I suppose the waves in that ocean got really, really big, and I couldn’t tolerate them. I was experiencing myself in a way that is closer to ‘who I really am’, I think, and I started thinking about the concept of ‘letting go’ in meditation. I remember Adyashanti saying something like, meditation is really just about letting everything be as it is… and then you realize there is a part of you that is *always* just letting everything be as it is, a part of you that is in a sense *always* meditating, can never *not* be meditating. Letting go is not about ‘trying’ so much as releasing the tendency to try to control whatever the experience is and make it different than it is. If you are clenching to something and ‘try’ to stop clenching so hard, try to let go, it’s not really letting go because letting go is more of a letting everything be as it is.
So I was doing that but I was noticing whatever it is that was trying to control things, whatever it was that was refusing to let go, and it was getting pretty subtle where… sometimes it’s not totally obvious that there is some kind of attempt to control happening but when you tune into the subtleties of your experience you realize it is happening and you can come closer to relaxing into letting everything be as it is. But since I was having this experience of myself as this vast, infinite ocean, this depth beyond anything that could be named, something ‘quality’ or something beyond quality in me that has always been the same and that will always be the same, I was aware of whatever it is that was trying to control my experience, that was resistant to letting go — I might call it ego or the conditioned self — and I had this clear insight that whatever was doing this controlling was not really me. I am the empty awareness witnessing these control dramas going on within my organism but these attempts to cling or control my experience, this resistance to letting go, which is what I usually take to be me — *I* am resistant to letting go — suddenly didn’t feel like me at all, and it was really weird to have this experience, because if I was not the one resisting, if I was not the one controlling and grasping and clinging and refusing to let go but rather the awareness that is always meditating, than what exactly *is* this… whatever it is… that is so easy to take to be ‘me’… that is sooooo good at controling everything and doesn’t want to let anything be as it is? I think a lot of us would judge ‘ourselves’ for not being able to let go at all but what if we realise that what is holding on to dear life is actually not really us?
Then… why is it happening, what does it mean, why is that process even a part of our organism, and why is it so easy to attach it to who we *are*? It felt more like some kind of… process set in motion by conditions and some kind of potential energy that was unraveling, like a slinky jumping down stairs or some really tightly wound up coil under pressure. I don’t know why it’s doing what it’s doing but it felt, not like me, but like some kind of energy responding to causes and conditions, a tendency, inertia, something impersonal that is going on in this organism but that also has a tendency to think it is the one deciding and choosing and thinking and all these things, and for whatever reason this awareness of myself as the ocean and the awareness that can actually never stop meditating puts this process into overdrive and makes it really intense but it is really freaky in a way when it gets really intense while at the same time you realize it is not *you* but just some kind of process unfolding within you that has a really strong tendency to make you *believe* it’s you. Ego, the conditioned self, releasing potential energy that has built up for some mysterious reason over aeons, perhaps. I don’t know.
But then from the point of having that insight the energies I was feeling in my body got really uncomfortable and it was hard to hold my awareness of myself as the ocean anymore, I just felt full of huge and uncomfortable irritable energy all over, and I wanted to crawl out of my skin, or shake it off of me in some kind of major way, but it was so intense that I could not take a moment to think fo what meditation techniques I might use to be with this, and even if I had, whatever was going on inside of me was constantly changing, so I’d probably have to keep changing up the technique and I feel like in that kind of state ‘letting everything be as it is’ was more like… just letting myself be in my normal consciousness, with all my irritation about all the energies I was experiencing, and so no longer feeling like I was in a meditative state at all. I don’t know, but my response at a certain point was kind of to toss and turn and try to find a physical position where the restlessness was just a little more tolerable.
It is soooo much like what I experienced when I was running from abuse and ended up at Jon’s and at the time I did not suspect that he was mistreating me but now I am pretty sure that if I had landed with someone who was able to see me and recognize my fear and my need in response to being in an abusive situation these energies would have calmed down so much. Staying with Jon and I guess realising on some level that something was not right about this made me toss and turn and feel more uncomfortable in my skin than I ever had in my life and it felt like there was absolutely no way out of it, like I was in a complete cage, and really the only thing that helped a little bit for just a little while was when he offered me some valerian. I was and am really surprised that that had any effect at all considering how intense these energies were, and when I feel this way, there is often a *very* strong sense that lying down on my right side is DIAMETRICALLY different than lying down on my left side. They are body positions connected somehow to two utterly different states of mind, which seem like two really unintegrated parts of me, and in that kind of restlessness, sometimes I need to flip onto my right side, sometimes onto my left, from moment to moment, and I can feel the consciousness switch when I switch sides and I get some momentary relief from this geyser of restless and irritable energy in me that is building up getting ready to explode. I didn’t really experience that tonight in an extreme way but I really do find that when I experience whatever I am trying to describe here turning from one side to another is often one of the only ways that I can figure out to have some control over my experience. Nothing else works. I can somehow feel my brain work differently, lying on one side or the other, like they are drugs with very different mechanisms and side effects, like they are two incredibly different states of consciousness. I did not feel too much of that tonight but sometimes like that time at Jon’s it was pretty automatic, like my body just knew that it had to be on this side, and then when energy built up again, I would automatically switch sides. I think there is always something of a different consciousness present in this two-sides phenomenon and I can sort of feel it even now when I, say, turn my head to the left right now, and then turn my head to the right. If I am paying close attention I think I realise that they are very different energies from each other.
Anyway, this is a situation that I don’t know how to respond to in my life. Do I just wait for whatever I am experiencing to pass or is this experience telling me something? It feels like there is some kind of impossible wall and I feel this wall in my heart and there is so much anxiety and frustration and I don’t know if I will ever get relief. I can write about what is going on energetically a bit and somatically but I have no idea in hell what is going on for me psychologically in these kinds of experiences and I kind of don’t feel like thinking about things in psychological terms would help with what I am experiencing even a little bit because it’s almost beyond psychology. I can’t really think well about much of anything except the energies and the strange way my body feels but even if I could I don’t think considering things psychologically would make much difference and yet… I do want to understand what might be going on psychologically in terms of the strangeness that is going on for me energetically and physiologically, somehow. I do not know what is being asked of me when I have experiences of this and I don’t know what I can do to make whatever is unfolding go more smoothly. I don’t know why I’m going through it: though I have these experiences of a more expansive self I also have thoughts that maybe I am experiencing these things because of something that is my fault. Then I think maybe I am experiencing these things because of experiences of abuse and that feels even more icky especially when really a lot of these energies sometimes *do* feel that icky. There is such ickiness in my spine sometimes and the way the machine worked on that today it was like, ahhh, something deep and unconscious being released and it felt like some kind of sick, something that might make me vomit if it all came out at once… but I do feel like if somehow I could find the right person to work with me at a time like this, to be with me and talk me through my experience and let me have my process, I might come to understand a whole lot more about what is going on than I do now and might be able to guide me in understanding what I might be needing and how I might proceed. I want to understand… and I don’t know what this experience is asking of me… I don’t know what it means but it feels so connected to my blocks and I just want to tear down all these walls!!!