Los Angeles

Dear Sarah,

How can my mother love me if she married a rapist and had me? Today is his birthday and I need to know he is in maxinum security lockup. I feel like that is unsolvable except by you. I have had the most exhausting few days since actually running away from a plot to murder me but I am too terrified to go to the police department to see if I can find out if I am safe meaning they are in jail ideally under maximum security under the threat of being disintegrated and that is all that I can say. I ate cegan tacos this mirning, saw a taco truck called Jason’s and ahh by the way seeing another one with Highland Park on it is sooooo relaxing now that I am finally out of that trash car that was given to me by … a sociopath who endangered the world, Sarah, what? I slept last night but I actually feel like my blood sugar is low and I can’t concentrate but I have to drive because in this system and so deprived of RESOURCES (catch my drift?) not driving could kill me and do more harm to others than driving in LA and that is terrifying as fuck. Highland Park is… maybe the only place with a connotation of altitude that doesn’t terrify me right now, Sarah. I ate vegan tacos. I am at the movies where I finally smoked a cannabis pre-roll after looking all day for dispensaries because staying in that motel Asheville and hopefully finding out if those murderers are arrested. I am pretty sure Abuser Charlie is a serial child rapist and I have ko clue what else but I think he is the devil himself and I have never felt this way before but I would only feel safe if he were disintegrated. How I can know that in such a short time after deciding to STAY with him. Please give me time to process all of this, it is so overwhelming, and scary, and I want to be somewhere safe with tjis car out of ky lufe forever but I really AM trapped in a car like in that movie Honest Thief that was filmed partly in my town and there is a hostage scene where they are trapped in their car at Major Taylor Garage in the town where I was born. The question is who is not deceived about who I am and how can I articulate my needs or anything at sll in this inot that looks like a pretzel but is also shaped so much like a heart. 🙁 Why do I not have a real place to live, Sarah, why did I have to go through all of this? I am at the kivies and the tellow lights of the security car outside are more comforting than any security has bern in my entire life. What group of people can I gather together one at a time to understand my life again? How do I ensure I do not kill Renee by inviting her to meet with me? How do I fet to REST so I can actually SPEAK which means I need MONEY? I just smoked this half gram roll and someone in a car parked just across from me said opened the back door of the car and said, “Someone’s smoking, I’m taking all the food!” Then they shut the back door of tjis white car! Damn I hope it was not a Lexus right now but it felt like friendly mischief and the truth: I am so deprived of resources my blood sugar is probably soooo low and though I finally ate those tacos and a pineapple boba smoothie I did not stop feeling like my blood sugar WAS really low but cannabis makes sooooo much of that fear of dying in all sorts of ways go away because the honest truth is… yeah, it is like night and day the difference, it feels like medicine for DIABETES caused by constant lifelong ABUSE, Sarah! I need to be in a place where I don’t need canbabis to keep me from feeling diabetic, please help me. I can’t be convicted, I’ve earned my degree. But I am scared, Sarah, how do I disintegrate this car and find somebody to stay with me and cuddle so I am finally safe and why why why Sarah why? If this is the City of Angels I guess I am in the right place.

Love,

Jason (I’ll use my birth name in honoyr of the, um, taco truck I saw today)

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