Middle of the night…

My back is a little bit sore. My legs are better but still sore. I feel anxious and like lots of energy is wound up in my body and I kind of so wish I could get biking again. I miss long days on my bike and then swims towards sunset, and if I could only do that again, I think my body would feel so at peace compared to how it feels tonight. I am not terribly anxious, mostly just restless, and frustrated that I am not getting tired enough to sleep. It is annoying to suddenly realize how different I’d feel almost immediately if only I could get more active like, biking and swimming like in the old days, but there is at the very least this issue with my legs…

I am thinking of one time my grandfather came over and I made shadow puppets on the walls for him. I am remembering pretending to be owl in Winnie the Pooh in the room where I first made the shadow puppets. Probably that is what I was imagining with my friends around that time. I remember grampa coming upstairs and lying in bed with me and then like the biggest insect I had ever seen started flying around my room and I was scared. I felt like it meant something ominous.

Then memories of staying at his house around the time I met Anna, all the strange things that happened around then, like his heart somehow knew we had met, like he had meant for me to find Anna all along, but look how that turned out, so I dunno…

I am thinking of the person I stayed with in Atlanta but not thinking really so much as feeling what their energy feels like when it feels good to me and it is strange and almost concerning to have an experience of this armor kind of dissolving and feeling their energy in a positive way. I don’t know why and I don’t really want to know or even to feel it because it brings up too much that is uncomfortable. I cannot imagine anything good ever coming of that and I do not think they are a safe person for me. I don’t blame them for anything as far as I know but I have a huge boundary and my heart has been completely closed to them. Now I wonder if being closed in an armored sort of way is taking up energy unnecessarily so that it is hard to feel myself… if I trust myself I don’t need armor.

I have had to make sure they wouldn’t convince me to get close to them somehow, I had to be strong enough to be totally sure I wouldn’t let them pull me in if I ever talked to them; just because I like someone’s energy when it feels good and uncomplicated doesn’t mean they would be a safe person for me or someone who could understand my heart. There are certain ways I felt less ‘got’ by them than I have felt by just about anyone and I don’t want to feel that anymore, it’s sad and exhausting…

But when I feel them now, it’s not bad, it’s not unpleasant, it reminds me of good experiences I had with them, and it is confusing because I kind of forgot what their energy felt like to me when it felt good and… whyyyy? Why should I be remembering now? That is a mystery. Every time I walk to the street corner I see the name they chose shortly before we stopped being connected, the name of their grandmother, or maybe great grandmother, who was from Colombia. It’s the family name on the house on the corner when I turn left to go to the 7 Eleven. But that can’t be why I am suddenly feeling their energy so close. It reminds me of a part of me I lost somewhere, too. It could be my imagination.

It is strange to feel and I don’t get it. I don’t think they would ever understand but I just realised the energy in this album I am listening to, folklore, which of course I adore, and especially songs like seven, feels a lot like their energy somehow. I don’t know, it is kind of exhausting just thinking and writing about them, but maybe this will open up some space…

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