Music for cows sounds like a grand idea

First I will just say that thankfully things are okay with my grandmother. I guess she did not explain herself very well when she talked to my mother today but she found out more and I don’t think she is actually sick at all. It turns out she was frustrated with her memory or something. She couldn’t figure out how to do something or other and she was frustrated, and she was bored since making jewelry is *the* thing she does but she was feeling like she couldn’t make jewelry. Those aren’t usually the kinds of words she uses for that kind of thing, though, and I’ve never really heard her talk that way before, but maybe it just came off that way in my mother’s retelling. It’s still a concern but at least it is not COVID-19 or any other kind of virus or bug or illness, as far as I can tell from what my mother is telling me now.

My legs were kind of tingly last night and today they are still tingly. It is annoying. My arms are almost a little bit tingly too so maybe something is going on where I need a full-body massage or maybe I need so much more than that. I wish I had discovered that massage place on Avenida RevoluciĆ³n before I was just about to leave Tijuana because the work I got there felt like exactly what was needed for me to start feeling better physically. The massage I had here in Ensenada was emotionally healing but the work on my legs just wasn’t deep enough for lasting relief so I think if I try them again I am going to have to make sure they know that I need it really deep. Maybe that won’t work, it didn’t work when I tried to massage myself, but it’s worth a try. I don’t know if I will go tomorrow, I’m still figuring out what is actually going on with my legs and maybe it’s good for them to rest for a while without being manipulated after what I have done to them. I think I will go back there in the next two or three days though to see what can be done.

Not having anyone around who can assure me that I am going to be okay or even to assure me that I am not going to end up living in my car (which will only make it worse, though the worse it gets the more likely it is to happen) is hard right now and I am wondering why I don’t have that. I just listened to Danielle LaPorte’s latest podcast episode on the genius of the heart and I don’t remember her specific language but… this idea that the genius of the heart can heal the body. What I want is some kind of breakthrough in how I am thinking about things because I have made things so tight for myself in so many ways and if I could just break through whatever these blocks are so much good energy might be released into my life pretty much right away! If I get a massage, it might help me, in which case I have no excuse not to reach out to others to maybe bring in a little more money, but I don’t really want to have no excuse to do that. I want to be able to procrastinate. On the other hand, if I get a massage, I might not end up feeling any better, and my fear is, what if I just keep trying massage and it doesn’t work and then I run out of the money I need to take care of my legs in even more basic ways, money I need to prevent my body from getting injured in other ways and… everything goes downhill?

Of course I know that is unlikely to happen. My bank account has been pretty stable since I arrived in Mexico and I have this other account with even more money in it that I don’t even touch or look at. It is there if I am in an emergency but I am really trying to stay sustainable with this smaller account and if I feel like I need to use money from anywhere other than this account that’s a signal that I am no longer sustainable and that I need to do something to make my finances sustainable again. If I have to draw on that account at all (and I haven’t come even close to having to do that) it is a sign that it’s probably time to either start looking for income or else to start looking for less expensive places to stay and my goal is to last as long as possible without even having to consider those things. At the same time, if I could only bring in just a tiny bit of extra income, that would make a huge difference for months into the future as far as never having to draw on anything but the balance in the Santander account I am using here in Mexico. I just totally resist reaching out into the world in any way for something like income when I have not even reached out for someone who might understand me, like a friend.

There is a part of me that says, it would be so easy to reach out and get some kind of project or to see some kind of check appear in my bank account for some reason or another, and if that were to happen it is kind of ridiculous how many more possibilities would suddenly appear in my life in certain ways, how much more relaxed I would be because then, rather than just being sustainable month by month while continuing to be vulnerable to the possibility of some big disaster, I would actually have enough to relax into my life more and know that my income was continuing to grow rather than being on this balance beam where things are totally sustainable but if things are going to make a shift in any direction that direction is likely down simply because I am not connecting with anyone.

With just a little more income I would have what I need to settle into connecting with others and I think that is precisely what I am resisting and for some reason there is a part of me that is screaming, don’t even think about making a dollar until you have the courage to risk reaching out to Sarah! I hate to think that it is the case but it is like I am stubborn and I don’t want to even think about making more money until I figure out what is going on around Sarah and I feel like even if worse comes to worse and she treats me just as horribly as before at least my willingness to have that conversation was something I just needed to do before I was even willing to consider having more money. I think about having a conversation with old professors, putting up a website, doing any number of things that might bring in some money, but I feel like, how could I have an authentic conversation about anything until I address this elephant in the room as far as what is going on with Sarah?

It’s like the moment I think about making a dollar I resist and I want to stay exactly where I am until I figure out how to have the courage to reach out to Sarah… and I think most likely having more money will only give me more opportunities to avoid that, so I kind of stay on a balance beam until I get tired enough to fall off of it into that risk. For some reason, if a goal in my life is, more money, I simply cannot possibly find a way to take SARAH out of the action steps for getting there. It is not totally dependent on how she responds — she might respond just as horribly as she did before that exile from camp, but at least I will have faced something that I needed to face before I was even ready to think about money. That is also exactly what I need to be willing to somehow face before I am even ready to think about connecting more deeply with others. I don’t want to make money till I connect, I don’t want to connect till I make money. Except Rebecca. I could definitely see myself connecting deeply with Rebecca before I talked to Sarah and I am pretty sure if I started talking to Rebecca and felt safe in that I would be talking to Sarah in no time at all, too.

I have no idea exactly how all of this is tangled up in my fears around facing myself in the eyes of Sarah in one way or another but I am certain that there is no way towards either of these goals unless one of the first action steps has something pretty directly to do with Sarah. And of course the fear is that if I reach risking out there is nothing at all she can say that can make me less scared about the state of my body and my legs… and that is perhaps what I need most… but why did I set my life up this way, so that facing Sarah in some way or another is what I need to do before I am willing to have anything at all that I want? Of course I am going to resist that with all my might…

What would Sarah say about this situation with my legs? Would she be able to understand that it matters, that I am vulnerable without them, that I am capable of so much more if only I could find a way to start healing them? Would she not have time for me, no resources for any amount of money? These are the things I need to untangle somehow before I move forward at all and the only way to do that is to risk reaching out and thus to face whatever it is that I have been so afraid of though consciously I might have no idea what that is… but it would be a whole lot easier if I could be sure I wasn’t going to immediately hear, “I don’t have time for you…” But I feel like my next action steps depend in so many ways on how I might respond to whatever Sarah might say to me and I think all of my fear is centred around that and I don’t know why or how to untangle it…

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