I bought a movie ticket but I am way too exhausted to watch it so I am sleeping in my car and that would feel nice except … he … found this car and controlled me with cars all along. A Gold Honda Accord? Or maybe it was the devil himself the man I stayed with in Las Vegas or one if his croneys. He trying to steal my money, and I feel like everybody wants womething from people I love and why can’t everybody stop trying to rule the world and let everybody be? My grandfather’s first son is a closet white supremacist too and you know what? I found my passport, he didn’t steal it, he thought the threat of knives connected to making me spell Tijuana would terrify me but honestly nothing feels safer than hearing and speaking Spanish right now. Oh, his ‘cruises’ to Hawaii and across the Panama Canal, his comment about going to the wrong place and ending up in hell with Jimmy Kimmel, he wanted me to burn in hell while seeing the ‘ocean eyes’ of hawaii and Ireland and to threaten me with destroying everything I love most but evil’s going down in tbe end. Now I don’t know whether to struggle with the fear of reaching out to someone or to rent a place for a month first and that is the knot that needs to be untangled now. A few nights ago I was about to rent a place in Beverly Hills and then AirBNB started doing strange things and mothing worked right so I didn’t but I don’t know if that is a sign not to rent a place yet and instead struggle with this fear of ‘turning myself in’ and reaching out to anyone at all when nobody wants to let me speak for reasons that maybe Sarah would understand most of all. Now I need to figure out what the MOST important resource to come up with might be. Is it housing? I still don’t have my other bank card (the one I know he was tracking) but if I rent a place I will have two cards for more security and access to more money than I do now. Or I could stay somewhere else for a few days while I figure it out but… if I am too tired to make decisions I could end up renting totally the wrong place. I could try to reach out to someone but that feels like terror because they would have to approach me like that really supposedly embarrassed girl who probably just pretended she thought I worked at the cinema and asked how to get tickets so that I would look down and see the stains on my shirt. I can’t make it out. That was an incredibly comtortable and natural interaction actually and if she was not walking away while saying how sorry and embarrassed she was, I feel like we could have been friends? And yet I look down at my shirt and thinks this has to be teasing. Anyway. Onto a more serious matter: this sociopath whose house I just left anal raped me. I thought it was something that happened just once until I started writing this sentence but maybe the last time he threatened me with a knofe and that is the one I am starting to remember. I think it was the night before this trip to Great Adventure near his house on one of our few visits to his house in New Jersey. I got this stuffed animal Sherman and this comment asking me where it was and saying it had probably disintegrated by now, in a way that was terribly threatening especially with those dog car shadows. It was one of the CREEPIEST things that put it all together tor me. I just remember that morning in New Jersey being told jot to say anything and the sadness of it and… oh, tonight, I didn’t know what it was, what he was doing, and it is just starting to come back but that big stuffed animal, I ‘loved’ him especially because, well, my mother told me it was won for me and it was sentimental because I love my mother, not because of this criminal. I don’t know if it happened before and I want to believe that was the only time he was ever really alone with me at least until I was 10 and he took me to Disney World. Anyway, going to sleep, what is the first resource I need and how do I get it? Heard Olivia at the store today and cried. I can’t even remember what song right now, that is how low in resources I am in every way, and I think the first thing is to sleep somehow but ouch…
PS — I mever felt affection for Sherman like I don’t think I ever touched it, he was just big and there. The cruelty to stuffed animals in Batman was one of the most terrifying movie scenes of my life but… the hard thing to tell my mother is how I have to disown or disintegrate Sherman… it is such a big knot.