I feel a lot better this afternoon after going to the beach. I did some thinking and some crying and it was good. When my heart feels numb like that, I think, yeah, people might tell me to get therapy or something, and I need to be able to trust myself and hold my own boundaries and be at peace with my own knowing as far as what is good for me. When I cry the tears kind of melt a lot of the numbness away, and then the ocean opens my heart, everything gets a lot better, a lot of space opens up, and I didn’t need therapy to do it. If I could go to the ocean and jump in the waves and scream ‘I love you!!!!’ to what I do want and and ‘NO NO NO NO NO!’ to all the boundaries I have and to everything I don’t want… if I could do that for even a week with a friend by my side rather than a therapist, so much exciting healing would happen beyond my wildest dreams, so why exactly pray tell do I need ‘therapy’? It was really helpful and when I got out of the water I was so much more grounded, everything was more colourful, I felt my own boundaries and I think I had a lot more space to decide how I wanted to respond to the moments in my life. My heart was a little scared of feeling again on the other side of the numbness, but I think if I go back to the beach and scream in the ocean like this every day, in a week or two I will see a really profound transformation.
I think therapy is often a good thing, I think all sorts of different therapeutic processes are really exciting, and I want to see the stigma around getting therapeutic help gone for sure, and yet, there is also another side to that, and I know what’s best for me. The last time I talked to a therapist there was nothing they knew or were able to give me that I was not able to give myself just by connecting with myself, with spirit, or with a friend, and the truth is, I would love to play with therapeutic processes all day, and I often find that playing alone benefits me more than struggling to find a professional match especially when I know that professional could misinterpret me and sell me out to what makes me *most* vulnerable. That is not such a distant possibility no matter how psychologically ‘healthy’ I may be; the therapist I trusted with my deepest pain, Jon Terrell, did that to me, and there was nothing wrong with me at all, I was just *running* from abuse and he cornered me right back into it. So I hate the idea of people telling me what they think I need especially around therapy because when they are doing that I know right from the start that they most likely totally misunderstand me and… I guess then I can just let it go and not let it get to me, but this stuff *does* matter to me, I would love to study psychology academically, but I am going to be a renegade or nothing, and you can love me or hate me, I’m going to do it my way.
I explore ‘therapeutic process’ all the time on my own anyway and I love to do it with others. It’s fun and that’s what I enjoy doing with friends and if it’s so fun and I can do it with folks I trust who aren’t going to sell me out to the authorities for no damn reason then why should I have to pay someone for that privilege? I might if I like what someone offers and I think I can get something out of spending time with them but getting therapy just to get therapy isn’t going to help me a bit! So much of what I want to create in the world is, in a way, some kind of healing, therapeutic process, but I do not think that everything that is ‘therapeutic’ needs to necessarily be regulated, and sometimes it feels like that is the way things are headed and I don’t think it’s good for the future of healing. I appreciate the ways that regulation does work to protect people, but I also have problems with it and I don’t think we should ever stop scrutinizing it. Prioritizing the freedom of my own heart means I get to choose my own way of doing things and… well, I do not see a professional therapeutic relationship as something that would be helpful for me at this time, any more helpful to me than all sorts of ways I could co-create my life and facilitate my healing, and I do feel this tug like someone or other out there might try to engage me and convince me that I need that but… you tell me I’m crazy and I just get crazier, funny how that works, eh? Thank goodness for Lily, I know Lily would never tell me to get a therapist…
I am not closed to such a possibility but love taking my healing into my own hands and I don’t want that love to be taken away from me! Truly I would likely be misunderstood a whole lot more than understood these days and it would probably get in the way of what my heart needs to do to live and love deeply and feel free. What is good for me is to trust myself and to take the most appropriate actions, the most heart-affirming actions, in every moment, that I can, and to open my heart to greater freedom which in a sense means opening to greater possibility of heart-opening responses to every moment though in terms of action that may just mean nothing more than just being in presence and letting go into the aliveness. I can gauge for myself if something needs to be adjusted in my life and right now I don’t think I would get anywhere any faster with a therapist. I think the first thing is to get a friend by my side and then my life will really start moving, but a therapist, that could possibly only hinder me right now, honestly.
There is so much about therapy and all that it is tied up with in this culture that scares me: the way therapists are often forced to make counterintuitive decisions or decisions that put clients in more vulnerable situations and that put them into the hands of institutions that are not always helpful and are often oppressive, and often they are between a rock and a hard place, or they are actually making the best decision that they know how to make, but I trust myself and I endeavor to trust myself more and more deeply, and I do not need the ‘safeguards’ of a society to look after me like that. Sometimes they are safeguards and sometimes they save lives but I don’t feel it necessary for me to get wrapped up in that kind of a system to find healing and as much as I love therapeutic process in all sorts of ways and as much as I’d love to be the next Sigmund Freud I want to run like hell away from the aspects of it that are uncomfortable to me and that are tied up in oppression and that have oppressed me I have every right as an individual to do that.
And I am sad because while I think therapy is important and can be so helpful and I want to see the stigma around getting it disappear I am so sad because there are all sorts of ways groups of friends could work together to heal each other therapeutically and I feel like it is so rare for that to actually happen. For me it is fun. The kinds of journaling communities I want to create would be communities where so much that is therapeutic naturally happens through friendship and connection and that is how I found New Culture before they exiled me: I couldn’t imagine anything therapy would give me that those processes would not give me ten thousand times more powerfully, so why should I go to therapy instead of finding ways to access those kinds of friendships and those kinds of resources, ways to live the sort of life where I can do what heals me and brings me joy every single day? For now I am going to just go to the ocean and scream and shout and be all that I am in the waves.