Thich Nhat Hanh

Tonight I was going to meditate while listening to some Thich Nhat Hanh recordings but then I discovered the set of recordings I downloaded has an annoying echo and I am not sure I can focus with that going on. After trying that, I registered for a meditation retreat in Southern California in October. It’s kind of up in the air as far as my legs are concerned and even my back but if I can find a way to work my life around it that might be a nice way to spend a good part of October. I will hopefully be a bit more mobile soon with my new portable CPAP and charging supplies so I am sort of getting excited about being the road more and feeling that kind of freedom even though at the same time I am aware that spending too much time in my car is somehow not good for my legs. I am just so afraid of somehow getting stuck in the middle of nowhere when I am ever so sore and I can’t move and all I can think to do is cry…

I never mentioned… once again, as so often happens when people transition from this earth, I had a suspicion of something and it was just a few days after his death that I decided to look up Thich Nhat Hanh. I intentionally thought about what happened to me in Ireland when I looked up Brent Cameron’s name and found out that he had passed away because I knew I would be less likely to discount the intuitive nature of this nudge to look up his name if I consciously thought while I was doing it about another time that something like this happened. So I looked up his name, and it turns out, he had passed away just a few days before, and… I didn’t have any emotion about it at all. Of course I was sad but I didn’t have a tear in me somehow even though so much of my life I have been so sad thinking about this possibility. I didn’t sense him as any less present, just present in a different kind of way, and I can’t quite put the pieces together. I was having this sense about him even before I looked him up, like his presence felt different, and I guess that is what led to my suspicions. I am not surprised anymore by my psychic awareness of things like this but I am surprised that I have been unable to feel any grief about it. Just because I can still feel his presence in some way does not mean I should be unable to feel grief.

I got a Thich Nhat Hanh journal years ago and I finally wrote in it for the first time on my IMS retreat in November. Yes, the entries that I have been posting from that 3-week retreat at IMS were in my Thich Nhat Hanh journal and I finished it just a couple months before his death. I still have not finished typing up and posting my entries from that journal though I am most of the way through. Now I am thinking about my time in Ireland, meeting him there, and my time in Asheville, and how something strange happened around him energetically while I was there, how I was so afraid of the possibility of him dying and then… years later, I had a nudge, maybe from him, to look up his name, and somehow I knew but somehow I couldn’t figure out how to feel anything at all.

I am so exhausted right now in a lot of ways. I don’t know what is wanting to come through me right now but I think meditation and being present for whatever it is would be good for me. I’m not really sure what I am feeling and I am not sure if what I am writing about what I am feeling is what I really want to be writing. I don’t know a lot of things. I am going to just try to relax and enjoy the process of whatever it is that’s unfolding…

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