Right now I’m sitting in the darkness of my livingroom, with a glass a wine, listening to music. Just me. Alone. I haven’t just sat and listened to music for a period of time in a long time. I remember when I was a teenager and a younger adult, I would sit in my room for hours just listening to music. I never realized how much that helped me de-stress and helped me cope with my anxiety. Something I didn’t really knew I had at the time. When I got married and had kids, being able to sit and listen to music is pretty much impossible. Tonight, I couldn’t sleep and I wasn’t going to force it so I came out to the livingroom and put on my headphone and started listening to music. It’s past midnight. This would literally be the only time I could do this.
I’m feeling so lonely. I’m feeling so unwanted.
I’ve been feeling this way for so long. I’m to the point where I don’t get angry but just defeated. I’ve tried to explain my feelings but I only end up talking to a wall. I feel like maybe he understands but then nothing changes. I pour my heart out, which is not easy for me to do, and I think he is listening, but no. So here I am. Alone. In the livingroom. Just trying to cope with this.
I mean, I’m sure I’m to blame. I mean, why else would he have no desire to touch me anymore? I’ve lost my attractiveness, I know. Motherhood hasn’t been that kind to me. No time or money to look pretty everyday. Gained weight. Tired. Anxiety-ridden.
I do try though. I do. I try to workout when I can. But sometimes the depression and anxiety kicks in and it’s hard to pick myself off the floor. All my energy goes to the kids. That’s how I fight through it. The kids need me to be present. So I’m present. I do what I need to do as a mother. And most days it takes everything I have.
At the end of the day I just want to be held. I want to feel like what I’m doing day in and day out is not unseen. I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel sexy.
At this point I’m trying to work through this. I’m trying to accept that fact that I won’t be loved the way I desire. And maybe I was never meant to be loved by someone.
When I was just beginning college, and this may have happened shortly after I left an abusive relationship, which was my first ever relationship. I never dated anyone in high school because, honestly, nobody really wanted me. So, the first ever boyfriend I had at 20 years old, verbally and emotionally abused me. I was never good enough. As I’ve looked back on it, I realize that I was just a rebound from the previous girl whom he was still in love with and he wanted me to be like her. So, he was constantly frustrated with me and put me down constantly. When I finally couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him, he didn’t even care. I’m pretty sure he had already moved on before I finally decided to leave him.
Shortly after that happened, I was in church one day, and I felt a strong calling from God to become a full-time missionary somewhere and that would be my life. I knew that was what God wanted me to do but I got scared. I didn’t think I could do it. So I didn’t. Instead I got into another relationship with my now husband and I can see that this wasn’t the path God wanted me take but He is a God of free-will and let me make the choices I’ve made. I can see now that my now husband married me because he was tired of being lonely. And I was scared to be alone.
Here I am two kids later and 7 years of marriage. My life is my kids, and though I absolutely love my kids and literally all I do every day is for them, it’s hard and it’s so lonely. I’m so fucking lonely. I feel it deep in me that he is not in love with me. I am not in love with him. I have always felt that a deep intimate love with another person was never meant for me. I forced it into my life and now I must live with the choices I’ve made. So here I am telling myself I have to live with this. I don’t know how long it will go on like this but I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt my kids emotionally by leaving my husband. I know some say kids aren’t truly happy if their parents aren’t happy, but my kids are so young right now and all they know is mommy and daddy. I don’t want to turn their world upside down because I made the mistake. Nothing is their fault. They deserve stability and safety. And I know I couldn’t give them half the things they need without him. Their pain would be too much to bare over my own. I just can’t do it.
So, here I am. In the darkness of the livingroom. Alone. Trying to figure out how I’m going to survive this. I’m a mother. I have to survive.
As I’m sitting here I suddenly get this weird message on my phone. My phone never goes off during this time of the night. So I don’t know what this means but once I started reading it, I don’t think it was a coincidence. It has to be from God. I am right away a skeptic of anything. And I mean anything. I hardly trust anything or anyone. But I just can’t explain this.
This is the message I got:
I Want To Show You All I Have
Daughter, I speak confidence in you. I speak love in you. I know how you feel when you mess up. when you think of yourself first, when you don’t trust Me, when you run after what you think you need and not what I know is best for your heart.
Oh, girl, confess your heart to Me, pour out your heart to Me. Keep turning, keep looking. Keep turning over your heart for Me. I want to show you what is underneath the choices you make away from Me.
When you choose selfishness instead of Me, you forget who I am.
When you choose greed instead of Me, you idolize this world.
When you choose envy instead of Me, you doubt I have given you enough and believe I am a God who doesn’t care for His children.
When you choose judgement instead of forgiveness, hard-heartedness instead of kindness, self-indulgence instead of self-forgetfulness, I am forgotten, too.
When you choose to keep ignoring Me, reading my words but following your own path, you are blind to my steps in front of you, deaf to my words whispered in you, closed off from possibility of new directions, new hope, new places where I want to take you.
Hear this: You are not stuck. You can be moved. You can change.
More hope is right around the corner. More possibility and further direction
I want to show you more of what I have for you. I want to have you trust Me more. I want to take you in deeper, deeper still. My love has no end, the possibilities of hope and future strength in Me is beyond what you can see now.
So you need to keep turning over those things that feel safe and hold you back from trusting Me more. You need to stay close and willing to move into uncomfortable and unfamiliar places with Me.
Do you want to know what awaits you, child? Do you want to know what is around the bend?
Keep listening. Keep confessing. Keep reaching and looking and going deeper.
I am with you.
I am with you.
I move you in deeper. I want to show you all I have.
This message popped up on my phone from a devotional I had saved in a Bible App I have. Never has it randomly come on my phone like that before. I have gotten bible verse messages pop up on my phone but never a message from a devotion. And the way it came up looked like a personal message. I can’t explain it but I know that I was meant to read it at that moment.
I really need to feel loved and He knows that.