Well it’s been awhile since i’ve visited OpenDiary my sister said something yesterday about how if you use to journal a person should keep up journaling and i haven’t maybe writing my feelings here will help me get over this. I really hope so and honestly i thought i was over it we seperated Jan 8th 2011, filed for divorce March 2011 and it was finalized July 18th 2011 so as of July 18th 2013 it’s been 2 yrs but maybe it’s because he was my first love and my first real relationship maybe that’s why it’s harder to get over. He’s remarried and their is no way we could ever reconcile i don’t think he would want too even if i did, he didn’t want to when we were married he certainly wouldn’t want to even if he was able for some reason we are better off apart i know this but it’s still hard and i hate feeling this way and maybe these feelings have nothing to do with him maybe it’s just because i’m lonely and i’ve had alot of loss in the 2 yrs time first the seperation and divorce then at the end of the year my mom died then in Oct of 2012 my cat died and the day after the cat died i found out my Dad died.. I sometimes wonder if i’m having such a hard time with this how are the kids doing? The weird thing is they seem to be totally fine. I just wish my tears would stop lately it seems like the tears just keep wanting to flow and somedays it takes everything i have in me to stop them and i can stop them and do but damn it needs to stop these feelings need to stop i still feel like my heart is shattered and i find myself not wanting to let anyone near for fear of it happening again and i know that their are nice men out there men that are more like me but i find myself building this wall so that it will protect my heart. Ok well enough rambling i have a couple of relaxing hours before i have to get ready for work so i’m going to try and do that. take care all and i will try to be back maybe with a more upbeat entry. Have a GREAT day all!