Where to start i’m not even sure i haven’t written in my diary in so long. When i started my diary i had just met my husband now EX that was around the year 2000 Oct or Nov i think he was the one that got me started writing here. I’ve been divorced 1 yr and 6 mos and the wound in my heart is still as open as it was the day he gave up, i gave him everything i had trying to make it work we had 2 children 3 if you count the miscarriage 🙁 and i loved him although i don’t think he ever truely loved me i think i was just a rebound 🙁 the truly sad thing is that i think i still have feelings for him and it is like a KNIFE going through my heart everytime i have to talk to him he goes on and on about his NEW fiance who speaks no english and will be moving here in February. He was my first REAL relationship i guess you could say and we both jumped into it WAY" too fast. Now i’m alone i have my children but as far as having anyone that cares for me or wants to be with me there is nobody and it’s partially because i don’t trust men i know there are good guys out there but after having my heart hurt like it was the only thing keeping me going is my kids.I work 2 jobs trying to support us, i’m a cubscout leader. Last year and the year before that really sucked in 2011 right before Thanksgiving my Mom died and in October of 2012 my 3 legged cat died and the very next day i got a call saying that my Dad had passed away. I want to go see a counsler just to get stuff off my chest but unfortently my medical insurence was canceled my kids still have theirs which i’m glad for. The other thing really bothering me is that my friend of 20+ yrs has pretty much deserted me he is living right down the street from me and he doesn’t stop by or call to see how i’m doing. I’m so tired of working 2 jobs i feel myself getting burnt out i just need a vacation but i can’t afford one. I read the book series called Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Lighter and Fifty Shades Freed and i just wonder were are the guys like Christian and i’m not talking rich i’m talking about having a man that will protect you who is happy because your happy it should go both ways anyhow i’m going to close for now i’ve rambled enough. I appoligize for my ramblings.. have a good night all











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