Today feels like the beginning of something good

After a pretty shitty night’s sleep I actually don’t feel too bad.

Ted woke up in the early hours and came down crying about being scared. I told her to crawl in with me and let me snuggle her up. I’m so frustrated that her father let her watch The Witches. He’s forever going against my expressed wishes over their TV viewing. Co-parenting is hard when you are in a relationship with the other parent, and much harder when separated. For the most part he is pretty reasonable, but my standards have to be fairly low when i consider the average father’s actual motivation and interest in their children’s lives. The mental load is real folks. My Ex (the most recent one – let’s call him Victor), became the primary carer for his two children a couple of years ago. Their mother has a job that doesn’t suit a single mother and had/s quite a chaotic lifestyle…lots of partying. It had been the same when they were together. Victor told me that he did everything, working, the housework/cooking, putting the children to bed, etc. To me it sounds like she was depressed. Either way, a few years after they split he became the primary carer. He confided in me that he had not given his ex credit for the stuff that she did do, stuff that he didn’t even consider…the mental load – the organising, and remembering of doctors/dentist/opticians/hairdressers appointments, the school homework, the birthday parties and present buying. He has suffered since taking the children on. They are fantastic children and he is a wonderful father, but he doesn’t get the regular break he needs to recharge his batteries…and in addition has quite bad depression and anxiety. Things tend to go to shit when the basics feel hard; then you feel bad because you’re not operating at your best, the guilt, the shame, the pride – not asking or accepting help, because that would mean you’re the incompetent person you see yourself as. Single parenting + MH illness + threats to your security (financial, etc) = A bad fucking time.

So, my sleep was rubbish. I had planned on a nap after the school run, but decided against it and got myself a take-away coffee and a loaf of bread from town. Back home i started to watch The Vow, the documentary about that weird cult. I’ve not even finished the first episode, but i’m fascinated. Even though the whole thing was hokey, they managed to make people feel better, overcome fears and impairments. So i googled it and saw some of the tenets make sense. I don’t know much about NLP, so i read up on it a little. I definitely want to train to be a life coach/relationship therapist. I feel like it’s the perfect fit for me. I’m looking forward to getting stuck into some transactional analysis research.

But first i need any old job so i can afford to study. I have two jobs to apply for. That’s tomorrow’s job. Early night for me.