Is There Anyone?

When I was 13 years of age, I wrote my first poem entitled "Is there Anyone?". It was short and to the point.

Is there anyone in this world

who has for me

a love I can touch?

and hear?

and see?

Now my poem would be much more simple:

Is there anyone in this world who has for me a love?

My needs have become much simpler and for a good reason: I don’t think anyone really loves me. In a previous entry I said that people don’t call me. When they do call me they only want something. Even my daughter, who lives in another city far away, only calls me when she wants something. Do people realize how much that hurts? Now I am thinking that my father and my ex-husband were probably right. I am a basically an unlovable person. Do I do this unthinkingly? How did that happen? I always thought I would find someone to love me, but I can’t even find a friend to spend time with me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? How can I be such a deficient human being? I know I am fat and ugly but does that preclude me from being a member of the human race? Maybe I really don’t deserve love after all. I have a new grandson and I am terrified he will find out that people were right about me after all. Maybe if I die now his mother will tell him what a wonderful grandma I was and how much I loved him. I just hate knowing that people think so very little of me and it is my own fault.

Once again last year I got nothing for Christmas. My birthday is in a month and I don’t want to celebrate it at all. I don’t want anyone at work to know about it. Then they can’t ask me what I got for my birthday. I don’t want to tell them nothing.

I am nothing to nobody and it hurts so much! Is there anyone?