Matte

I’ve been thinking about family lately.  My family.  I’ve failed miserably as a family member.  I sometimes wonder if I have some sort of social dysfunction.  I probably do.  I think it’s culminated over years of poor choices and indifferent role models.  I’ve always wanted the big family that interacted and connected with one another on a regular basis.  And somehow I’ve got crickets.  Those poor lonely cricket souls making noises into the night.  Here I am.  Where are you.  Can I change the dynamics?  I don’t know.  Do I want to change the dynamics?  Only if I don’t have to change.  That’s right.  I want everyone around me to suddenly alter their behaviors.  But not me.  Never me.  Recently went to another state and met new people.  And I had fun.  I was surrounded by people who were family and I could relax.  Even my daughter said I looked happier than I had in a long time.  Sure, get me out of an environment where I’m not totally disinterested and I do well.  Keep me locked up with someone who oozes dissatisfaction with everything and everyone and I creep inwards until there’s nothing left but an outer shell that cannot reflect light.  I am matte.