New day?

I gained 2,5kg in 2 days…

Bad days. Feeling down, missing my love so much, the void is huge. So I ate.

I ate all the things I shouldn’t in vast quantities, and I cried, watched Netflix. My apartment looks like shit because I wasn’t able to do absolutely anything productive.

People sending Happy Easter  messages which I absolutely hate now. But I was polite and said happy Easter back, but hate it. Hate every second of it now. Didn’t eat any eggs, didn’t decorate, didn’t have any ham or anything “Easter like”.

I was just riding a lot on my motorbike. Escaping my gloom reality somehow. I so wish I wasn’t here. So riding helps. The problem is getting back home.

But. I decided to sign up for gym membership today. Like I did at the beginning of the month. But when I came to open my membership, they were closed. So I decided to join online. For some reason, the price was bigger than in the gym, don’t know why. Then I ws sick, ear infection, eye problems, a old…. And now Easter, they are not open.. So.. Today I finally went there. They are open from noon?! Feels like the Universe doesn’t want me to go.

But now, I learned it is actually testing my will. So, I will go at noon today and sign up. I have to take a full year subscription to be able to get 60% off monthly price, so, no quiting, I MUST go.

Scared like shit. And I don’t know why. It is not like my first gym. Went plenty before. Alone, friends, trainers, my love. But now, it is like this huge thing and I am afraid of being judged. I was never this big before. So maybe that’s the reason of my fear.

But yesterday, I stumbled upon a Youtube video that really helped me change my thinking. Basically:

Turn the effort into the reward!!

“PLEASURE FROM EFFORT” 

So, I’ll try that. I did have those periods of really loving the gym. They wouldn’t last, but, it is possible apparently, even for me. So, I’ll try that again. In hopes I don’t fuck up again and quit.

Fingers crossed.

Zee