I am crying uncontrollably. Sitting outside, on a park bench. On a bench, we used to sat, in a park, where we used to walk, in a city where we used to live, in a country we decided to move together in 2016. Passing by a house we used to live in. A house where you died in my arms two years ago. Unexpectedly. Suddenly. 3 months before we were supposed to be married.
I walked today, the paths we used to walk. Our park, a racehorse track, a forest behind Microsoft, before the building was even built. The park was huge and wild before. Now they completely cut it and I was shocked today as you could see buildings through the trees. I loved it more before. It was wild, it was a sanctuary. We picked elderflowers there and made syrup together. Passed by the tennis courts we usually went. The trees and flowers that have my name. The magnificent view from the racecourse. The company where I worked, overlooking the building site for a giant Microsoft building. Us, trying to find weird hidden passages that were nicer to go through when going to play tennis. Us just sitting on a bench talking for hours. Us cycling those paths up and down the hills. Us walking for hours because I was insisting to see where a path can take us. Ending regretting it because we were both dead afterwards, walking for 3, 4 hours. But laughed how stupid that was. Us “saving” knocked down plant pots because of the wind and finding places to pick more elder flowers. The electricity box with a painted forest and a fox, I still remember how we commented on it when it was being painted few years back. I still know how the traffic lights change on the intersection. I passed by “our house” and it killed me. I can’t even try to explain the feeling of being so utterly alone here, without you. After having the best life here with you. The plants we planted in front are still there. That tiny yellow bush we didn’t want to cut down is blossoming now and looks amazing. The carpet is still the same at the front doors. The big tree unfortunately removed completely. I was sad when they did it, but it happened few months after you died, I hated the new neighbors for that, but, nothing I could do. It killed me. Being here without you. Living this life without you. Having to go through this alone. Having to go on without you. I hate every second of this life; this wasn’t what we agreed. I can’t!!! Why do I have to!?!
And people… Oh people just don’t get it. They don’t. It’s great that they don’t, but it is so hard for me to try and explain. It am so tired of feeling guilty for anything sad I post. I feel everyone is fed up. But I don’t post for them, I do it for myself. It makes some way of all of this easier. If I don’t have anyone to talk to, to hug and cry on someone’s shoulder, then at least I can get it out of me that way. But apparently that is also bad. People don’t like people who went through trauma. People don’t like people who are sad. People don’t like people who are depressed.. Lonely.. And tons of other adjectives I can put that are synonyms for sadness.
I just got a link, from your friend, B, talking about how when we lose someone we love, we shouldn’t be sad for them. Because they are in a better place. We are actually sad for us and that is “not good” or healthy. It is a long post but that is the gist of it. This makes me so angry. Why do people think they know how I feel? Why do they feel entitled to say when is it enough to stop crying. At that point I wish this pain for them so they can actually understand how they haven’t got any idea. Especially coming from people who never had even a relationship like that. Or people comparing their loss of grandparents, parents, pets. All loss is hard. But, there is a huge difference in losing someone that we are preparing all our life to lose. It is “normal” to lose parents, grandparents, pets. It is still hard of course. I too have lost parents (both), friends, pets. But this kind of loss. In my situation. This kind of person. This kind of love. It is incomprehensible to anyone.
He was my EVERYTHING. He was my love, my support, my family, my best friend. He showed me that this life can be beautiful. He made me feel special, loved. I finally learned what it means unconditional love. He saw in me what I didn’t see in myself. He lifted me up. He believed in me. He was always on my side. He made me feel we can do anything together – and we could. I saw us growing old together: and that life was great. He knew me inside and out and he loved me just the way I am. His smile and a hug could fix absolutely anything. His hug was the safest place in the whole wide world, something I couldn’t live without. His heart, body and soul belonged to me. And mine to him. Completely and utterly we were bonded at such level it is most magnificent feeling I will probably never again have. He was my everything. My life, my world.
So how can you tell me he is in a better place and I shouldn’t cry for him?!? He would be the first to tell you, there isn’t a better place because I’m not there! I do constantly think about this, praying that he is somewhere better, where he is waiting for me. Praying that he is not feeling alone like me. But better? He would be miserable without me too. And to tell me that it’s been 2 years (will be in 2 days) and that I should stop being sad, or whatever in that context, is just plain stupid and denying what he meant to me. All of this is hugely intensified by me not having any support, no family, losing my mom 3 years before to cancer, dad when I was a child. “Friends” who keep dissappearing on me. Not having any other family. So I had to do EVERYTHING myself. I had to deal with his dead body. I couldn’t have it transferred back home because it would cost me money I didn’t have. So dealing with cremation. Heck I was traveling back to our home country on a plane with his urn in a suitcase!! No one was able to pick me up, so my transport was the mortician who had to collect the urn. I didn’t have anywhere to stay in my home town (no family) so ended up at my friends apartment, where I lived with my ex some 10 years ago. Talking about wtf moments. Organising and paying for a funeral. Dealing with people (those so called friends) who even then were not able to find time for me. So, arriving home, to this apartment, after giving my fiancés ashes away, and not having anyone to reach out to… Painful like hell. People, his friends, my friends who didn’t came to the funeral, under the excuse of Covid. People who didn’t have time to stay with me after the funeral ended. People who didn’t even come to me to say their condolences. People who to this day haven’t said anything (they knew him and were my “friends”). People who started dissappearing on me. When I went back to the country we were living in, people there didn’t want to find time for me. People back home, including my supposed made of honour didn’t reach out to me for months to ask me what’s happening. I had to deal with doctors, lawyers, hospitals, police, our bills I couldn’t pay myself, our loans, our freaking wedding. Canceling everything, explaining everything. My wedding dress that I couldn’t return so it arrived few months later. One of our cat that got sick while I was away, so upon returning from the funeral I had to deal with the vet, giving our cat injections, ending up by him dying in my arms after weeks of my torture in trying to do anything to keep him alive. He died in my arms. Like you. Then cremation of our beloved cat. Like. What the f***ing hell. How am I still here??!??
I went nuts. I just couldn’t deal with everything and on top of that, work. I flipped and decided I need to get way. I need to escape. Decided to do Camino De Santiago. 800km walking. A month in Spain just walking. Details for another post.
After coming back from Camino, our “good friends” stopped communicating. When I asked them what happened, I got the ugliest response like: It is not only you who is going through hard times. Guy comparing his problems at work with my loss. That was a reason I blocked them. The similar reasoning came from my MOH. Blocked her. I decided I can’t live in this country alone so decided to come back. Had to deal with all of that again, alone. Finding and renting the apartment. From a different country, without seeing the apartment, still paying the one we were living in together. Still having to find money for the deposit, new rent, old rent etc. Having to organise a move from one country to the other country. Pay for that. Move out a huge house, pack all our stuff, put our whole life in one van and move it 2000 miles away. Alone. No friends. No one. Organise my work, opening a company back home to be able to work for my company in another country. Dealing with lawyers, hospitals and doctors all in parallel. Trying to sell his motorcycle, our car, his stuff I couldn’t bring with me. Leaving our lovely house, our home. We loved it there. Losing our cat on top of everything. Living nightmare. My life as I know it stopped when he died. And this huge text is not even covering all other shit.
So…. I ask you again. How dare you say that he is in a better place? How dare you say it is enough? How dare you say I should stop being sad and keep on living?!? How can you even begin to fathom the enormity of loss I’ve been through and scars that will be with me forever? You can’t even begin to imagine so don’t even try. Just f***ing be there and ask if I need a hug. Or don’t even ask, just hug me tight and let me cry my soul out on your shoulder. I haven’t got that for 2 years, no one… Not once………..
I walked the paths we used to walk. And it reminded me of everything I lost. Not that I need a reminder, it is constantly on my mind, but a different kind of a reminder, of all that could have been. All the “small things” that in the end you realize we’re the biggest, most important things in your life ever. I can’t bare this pain of not having you near me, not being able to hug you, kiss you, hear your voice, feel your hand on mine, feel you, your heart, your soul……… This pain… Is indescribable.
I believe you were walking with me today. I believe you were crying with me today. I believe you were holding my hand and hugging me today. I believe you’re still with me every second of every day. I do believe we will be together again and this keeps me alive. I won’t nothing else more than that. I love you, Forever & More my love 💔
R. I. P. 26.2.1972 – 30.3.2021
Forever & More