Who doesn’t like Friday

Hmm, I like Fridays. But I usually have my 1-2-1 with my boss and sometimes I dread it. But I do like my boss, which is rare, so, not so bad, it is just work that is not progressing as fast as I want so it makes me feel incompetent.

And today, so much for being in a “beautiful state” no matter what. I got disappointed again. Or, to change my words, I “allowed” myself to get disappointed.

Everyone ignores me. I am alone most of the time and I really don’t like it. And then I reach out to friends, and they keep rejecting me. I understand people are busy, no issue with that at all. The problem is when you get rejected/ignored multiple times by different people for different things. Let’s go for coffee, no, can’t, busy. Let’s see a movie, can’t, busy, don’t like the movie. Let’s go out, can’t, busy, already made plans,. Let’s go to a concert, going someplace else, can’t, washing my hair… Like wtf? And still, because of my understanding, I keep asking. Keep getting no. Keep asking, keep getting “I’m busy”. Keep asking for a year now and it finally dawned on me, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!

So, I stopped asking, stopped reaching out. You know what happened? Absolutely nothing!! No one asked me for months if I’m ok, what’s happening, for coffee. Nothing! I have one friend and my younger brother (half-brother) which I hang out with. But, my friend doesn’t really have time. She is working crazy hours, and after going to college, so almost no life. My brother has a bit more time, so I was hanging out with him. Here is why I got disappointed today.

He knows my problem with people in my life. We talk. He is different in that way that he doesn’t like people, doesn’t “need” them, so he is fine being alone. But, what he doesn’t understand, it is easier to be “alone” when you’re in a relationship. You’re actually not alone (if you’re in a happy relationship). You always have someone to see, to call, to talk to. I didn’t have an issue when I was with my love. If no one wanted to go somewhere, we would go. I had someone to talk to always. To hug me. Hold me. Kiss me. Now?! None of that. No human interaction, no hugs, no affection. This breaks my heart every day more and more. And I talked about it to my brother. I thought he understands where I’m coming from when asking to hang with me for a coffee chat. I just don’t want to be alone in my four walls. But I hoped that other friends understand that too. That I am not just calling for coffee, or hanging out “just because”. It helps me to want to live. But. As with most stuff, I guess I was wrong. Or people just forget, or don’t care, or are busy. Hate that word.

So, as I stared to move more (have a lot of weight to lose, so trying to start with small steps), I walk every morning and then go for coffee. My brother would join when he can. And I loved it. We could talk for hours about anything and everything, it was fun. But today, he said no, again. He is now walking with his girlfriend every morning. Same place where we usually go. But by the time I go, they are already going home for coffee. And, what I don’t understand is, ok, you walk, can’t you walk later so we can all walk and all go for coffee? Or we can meet just for coffee if you don’t want to walk together. Or just walk, no coffee. I mean, you’re next to my building anyway. And his girlfriend is great, she likes me, I like her. So, I did ask him couple of times. Never getting the answer actually. Today, I asked him again is he going for a walk or if he is free. He said they are already walking with a picture of our park. First I decided to say nothing. Then it was stringer than me, and said “Ok, so cares about me then” and put a laugh Ling smiley at the end to soften the blow. He said they are walking too early for me. And when I asked why can’t they go for an hour later (he works late in the afternoon and she doesn’t work at all),he said it is because they want to be longer together. I do get that, but then, why they don’t want to go for coffee later? He started giving all sorts of excuses that don’t make any sense and I just didn’t want to turn this into a complication so just said ok.

But it hurts. It hurts probably more than it should, but I can’t help it. After everyone doing the same, I wonder wtf?!? He didn’t do anything bad, he is great, and he probably doesn’t even know how much this hit me. Like probably all other “friends” that did the same. But, learning from experience, when I tried telling people, they don’t take it well. And when I do talk, then friendships end. They get so mad at me and that is it. I don’t get it. Some people who I know for 20 years, I told them I am not reaching out anymore, they have my number. Nothing! Not even a reply to that. No calls, texts, nothing. Like I don’t exist. I can’t help but asking what the hell am I doing wrong. No one wants to tell me openly, honestly. So, how to fix something you don’t know what is wrong?

I decided to go into myself. Focus on myself. Trying to occupy myself with the things I love to do, maybe it helps. Finding new friends when you’re forty is not easy at all. I keep trying, but, none sticks. And here I go again with my limiting belief, I will always be alone. I’m not a good friend, nobody likes me. Geez, talking about a bad feeling.

I need to change that belief. I am working on that. It is hard when it keeps getting affirmed non-stop. But again, it goes back to the meaning I put to it. If I just decide to think of it, they are busy, that could help. The problem I have is, I am perceptive. Too much so sometimes. They say they are busy, but they find time to do the same thing with someone else. They go for the same movie with a different friend. Or a coffee. Or whatever. Usually, both are my friends. They don’t invite me. So, how not to think it is something wrong with me?!

I need to change my mindset. I must change my mindset. I have to find a way HOW to do it.

And I have to jump on a call with my boss.

Have a beautiful Friday.

Zee