Recent Entries

• Annabelle’s Due Date Today – Instead, 28 weeks without her.

  April 10, 2024

  Today. Today hits like a freight train. So did yesterday.  The day before it.  The two weeks before those. I knew it would hurt.  I knew my soul would feel mind-crushing pain.  Yet, I didn't know that mind-crushing pain would be so freaking deep.  So hard. With the date we assumed we'd have to in...

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• Seriously Can’t Win

  April 10, 2024

  I just simply can’t win. I feel like I’ll never be good enough for anyone. There will always be some fault in me. Max leaves. Telling me so much hateful things. He just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I gained weight. Maybe it was that skinny blonde he liked and that’s just not me anymore.…

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• Alone. Literally.

  April 3, 2024

  I’m just laying in bed. Trying to grasp how my life got… here. Alone. So utterly alone. Z, after being awful to me, moved out today. Supposedly he’s moving to Louisiana to work. He’ll be back for his surgery 5/29. I’ll believe it all when I see it. He left an awful mess in his…

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• Family, Religion, Holidays, IVF Baby Loss.

  March 31, 2024

  Easter - it means relatively nothing when you’ve got a shitty family, you’re pretty much single and you’re exhausted with life. Happy Easter to those that have legit great people to spend it with. Even if you wish you didn’t have to - be grateful you have the option. My grandparents don’t celebra...

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• Losing so much, so quick

  March 24, 2024

  Now, for just a normal entry - Are things getting better? Not really. At least not for my broken heart and the rest of my fucked up life. I literally feel like I’m losing everything/everyone all at once. That’s a super shitty feeling. My therapist finally put her foot down I had to see my…

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• Dear Max, 3/24/24

  March 24, 2024

  Dear Max, Another day without you. Without waking up to your face. Without feeling your incredible hugs. Without a kiss or an I Love You. It’s supposed to be getting easier. Yet, it isn’t. Time isn’t healing this wound. I know it’s only been a couple weeks. However, each day hurts a little more, ...

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• Two weeks… Dear Max…

  March 24, 2024

  I decided far earlier today I’d make a chapter. Just for my thoughts and comments to M. Nothing more. Nothing less. No contact is killing me. Literally, so here we go… Dear Max, Two weeks. Two weeks ago I thought we were happy. I thought we’d make it work. We’d be the success of statistics.…

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• Day 10 – It only hurts worse.

  March 18, 2024

  It's supposed to get better - right? Well, nothing is better.  The truth - it's worse.  Each day is worse than the day before.  Each day I have less hope.  Each day my will to live, to fight this, diminishes even more.  Each day I cry harder, hurt more. I've went through break-ups, a nasty…

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• Day 3 – So hurt and broken.

  March 11, 2024

  Day 3. I decided maybe I’d start documenting life in days. Day 3 Post Max - to say I’m fucked would be an understatement. I’m broken. Absolutely and utterly broken. I knew my heart could shatter - I learned this when we lost our daughter. Yet, I didn’t know it could shatter all over again.…

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