1631 First days
I want to write.
I want to clear my head of all the swirling thoughts.
There’s just so much.
I want to "do it justice", but I know that for awhile all I’ll be able to write will be "thrown up" from my soul.
I look at the screen…and I just can’t figure out how to get started.
You have no idea how badly I need to do this, either.
If I could just get started. If I could just get going…I might start to feel better, right?
Today my brother and I are going to the local funeral home to plan her service. Our mommy was never a flashy person. She never liked being the center of attention. She hated being a "spectacle". Our goal with this is to honor the quiet charm & dignity of a woman full of class.
People say they understand that & want to help us plan the service. But it is painfully obvious that what THEY want out of her service isn’t what she wanted out of her service. What they want to plan is designed to fill the void within themselves. While they are well intentioned, we will be standing our ground.
I know you’ve written a sappy poem. I know you want to read it publically. My mommy would’ve been mortified if you’d written/read a poem about her while she was alive. Please understand that you will not be given the opportunity to read it at the service.
See, there’s a fine line.
My mommy would be really upset with us if we weren’t kind and polite to these well-meaning friends.
I just don’t feel like placating people. I don’t feel very diplomatic. I don’t feel like being nice about your stupid/crazy/unsolicited suggestions right now. I don’t feel like holding your hand to get you through your loss.
What I feel is really, really sad.
Sad and empty.
and more than a little bit lost in my own skin.
But since my mommy would’ve placated, been diplomatic, and held your hand while she dealt with her own grief…I will too.
Because that’s what she would want me to do.
Everyone…thank you. I can’t say it enough, but thank you.
Five Things That Make Me Happy:
- She’s at peace.
- She’s not in physical pain any longer.
- She got to go "on her own terms".
- She loved us like crazy.
- The moment I got home and could just hold my baby Gus.
I wish I could be there to hold your hand and give you the opportunity to talk this out and help you deal with your grief. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. While we only know each other from OD, and at that, not as well as you know some of your favorites, know that I love reading about your life and your family. Take comfort in knowing how loved you were, and how loved your mother must have known she was, is, and will always be. Thinking of all of you, Lesley.
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I’m so sorry sweetie. Deal with this in your own way and try not to worry about everyone else. If I have any advice to give it’s do what YOU need to do and never regret it. I can say I know exactly what you are talking about, but everyone feels things differently and at different times. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I won’t bullshit you, it really doesn’t, it’s just different and the pain isn’t as constant. From what I knew of your mom, she was a remarkable woman, and you’ll have many wonderful stories and things to remember. It massively stinks to have to lose her while you are pregnant and during the holidays. Please take care of yourself and that little one you’ve got goin’ on. If you need anything, you know how to reach me. *HUGS*
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You knew your mom best and know best how to honor her memory in a way she would have wanted. Funerals are for those who are left anyway. Your mom is now at peace. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers this difficult week. Hugs,
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Absolutely. Do what YOU and your brother and your dad need to do. It’s all about you and your mommie now. Thinking of you.
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I just want you to know how much you’ve been on my mind. I wish I could be there to help you. To hold your hand. Your mommy is with our Lord and she is looking down on you and your family. She knows how hard this is for you all. You just do what you feel in your heart is right. You will find a way to express what she would have wanted. Love and hugs,
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Now is the time to write, when you’re raw. Because if you put it off, you’ll lose something. —
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{{{hugs}}}
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I’m so very sorry.
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I’m so, so sorry. Like all the other noters, I wish there was something I could do to ease your grief, help you in some way. If there IS anything I can do, please let me know. I’ll continue to pray for you and your family, especially that the well-meaning folks realize that they need to step back and give you what you need.
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Honey, you do what you believe is best and just tune out the friends. Honor your mother’s wishes and tell her friends that is what you are doing. I am sooo sorry for your loss and wish that I could hug your neck and cry with you. (HUGS and LOVE)
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This is so hard. I’m glad you are using OD to get rid of those thoughts swirling in your head. I wish you lots of strength to do what your mommy would want you to do. I hope the process will also be somehow healing for you. However, with that said, give yourself lots of time to deal with your emotions. Even though my dad died in 1994, I still am going through the grieving process. Some parts are easier but I’ll never be over it. (((HUGS))
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When my Dad died, I tried to write about him so many times–I would start and stop, and start again. I still feel like there is too much inside me about him, and I lack the skill to get it on paper. It’s so hard when a parent dies. I’m so sorry for your loss. It does get easier, I think, but the pain never really goes away. Praying for you.
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Instead of sharing this with everyone, I decided it best to just share it with you… hence private… Your mom is resting now in the arms of the Good Lord our God. Be happy in the knowledge that one day you will get the chance to see her again. Be happy that she had the chance to meet your son and that she enjoyed him. He won’t remember them but you will and that’s the important part.Share them with him when he gets older. You and Greg are in my heart and I will pray for you and your family. As for her funeral, don’t let others dictate what you should do. You and your brother should make the decisions as to what should happen. Let it be a showcase of what a wonderful life she had on this earth. Don’t go overboard – your mom probably wouldn’t have enjoyed that much. Simple is good. You should write. Write everything you feel — not necessarily here but somewhere. Write because you will forget something. Let it out the best way you know how. I wish I could be there for you — shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to punch… even though we haven’t met, I still wish for it. God bless you darling.
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My thoughts are with you….
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It’s amazing to me that you still wrote the happy thoughts. It makes me very hopeful that you will get through this well. My best friend is going through the same thing and it seems almost unbareable, but i do believe that your faith and your general kind and optimistic spirit will help you re-find joy in life.
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I’m so happy to see you writing. I know when B’s dad died in Jan. I had to write. I had so much crap in my head & mind that I had to get rid of. I’m so thankful you have TBU to lean on & to help you through all of this. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you guys. I know your mommy is in a better place but it’s also so frustrating b/c you guys are farily newly married & having kids. I was about 23 weeks along w/ the first grandchild on B’s side when his dad passed. B has really had a lot of “it’s unfair” stuff to deal with as my dad is not overly (ok not hardly at all) inclined to be involved & now Ryan only has one grandpa. I’d imagine it makes it so much harder b/c you & your mommy had such a close, loving relationship. I hope you were able to tell her how you felt & how much you loved her & I’m sure that you did. You have to deal in your own way, M. I, too, wish I could be there to help you with any & all things that you need to do/process. Know your “OD Family” loves & supports you. Love you, honey.
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I think that was one of the hardest things when B’s dad passed was that EVERYONE thought they had a say in how it was all going to go. John had very specific things he wanted done & he wanted it very low-key. One thing I will say is that his dad died a very painful death but he also got to go on his own terms & I think that was one of the neatest things of all. B’s mom & sis & him had towalk the line on how others wanted things & how they were going to do things & it was just fine. It’s all about how you present it. Those that really knew & loved you mommy knew how dignified & classy she was & how she would have wanted something done in the same way.
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I wish I could help. But I hated people who tried to make me feel better… I hated people saying, “It’s ok.” It obviously was NOT ok. Writing helps, if/when you can. I don’t know what to say but know I am thinking about you.
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your mom was a fighter. and that is something to be so proud of. there are so many people on this earth that aren’t, and take everything for granted. use what she taught you and teach gus and the soon-to-be-here-new-little-u….it will be one of the best lessons you can teach them. I wish I could give you a big hug. Please let me know when things calm down and you are ok so the kids can get together and play and you can relax a bit.
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Oh sweetie…what an entry. Can’t begin to do it justice in this little note box. I know you’ll be true to what your mommy would have wanted…as it should be. “They” will get over it, but if you didn’t do what you know is right, you never would. Love to all of you…
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Honey, I know your feelings, I’ve been there. There isn’t anyone who can tell you how to feel or anyone who can say anything to make that empty, raw, sad feeling go away. We are all here for you. My thoughts are with you and your family every step of the way. -Nikki
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i have been thinking about you, since i read tbu’s entry… i am so sorry.. i know that’s not enough.. i hope you are finding time each day to be happy as well though..
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