1644 He was a gift to her.

I have found myself watching Gus sleep lately.

When we nap together, and I know he’s asleep…I open my eyes and I watch him sleep.  He’s got these lovely rosy cheeks and the longest eyelashes.  I listen to him breathe.  I am just amazed at how beautiful this child is. 

99% of the time I wind up crying as I watch him.

This morning I realized something about my mommy and my child.

Because she was so tired and her body so frail, I always felt like using her for her babysitting skills was a big imposition on both her time and health.

But really, I should’ve looked at their time together as a gift – for both of them.  She had such limited time on this earth to enjoy him and play with him.  "Allowing" her to watch my child was a treat for her.  He won’t remember those few afternoons he spent with her, but that time was a treasure.

My mommy had already started dialysis by the time Gus was born.  She’d already started having multiple procedures and operations to make the veins in her arms "usable" for dialysis 3 times each week.  As a result, she had to protect her arms (and veins) as much as possible. 

The only time she was "allowed" to hold her only grandchild was when he was a newborn.  Technically, he was already above her "weight lifting restriction" when he was born.  She was not allowed to lift him or carry him.  If she wanted to hold him, she had to be sitting and keep him off her arms.

When she volunteered to babysit, she had to bring someone with her to do the "work".  She’d bring either my dad or one of her girlfriends.  My mommy would be on the floor playing with Gus as soon as she arrived.  However, if he needed to be picked up or have a diaper changed, the other person would have to do it.  So, you can see why I always felt like it was a huge imposition to ask her to babysit.  It wasn’t just my mommy I was asking to watch my child, but a friend as well (and I know her friends did not mind helping her out at all).

I didn’t really understand why my mommy was often offering to drop by for an hour after her dialysis (until her blood pressure would drop and she would need to take a nap for the remainder of the day).  Now I can see that she just really wanted to spend time with Gus (and me).  Even if it was for one paltry hour at a time.  And everytime, she’d be right down there on the floor with him.

I don’t know why it took me this long to "get it".  I really don’t.

Before she died, we made sure we told her (on multiple occasions) that I was pregnant again.  I have no idea if she was "with it" enough to remember this even 10 minutes after I left the room, quite honestly.  However, she seemed pleased at the time, so if it brought her joy, that’s ought to be enough. 

Right?

As of my last OB appointment, we’ve got our C-Section booked.  It is official.  I finally know when this baby will be arriving.  It will be such a bittersweet moment for me.  I’m so looking forward to meeting Mr2, but I am so sad that my mommy didn’t last to see this moment with me.