Staring at the empty glass…

I emailed this to Alexander, who’s first name is Byron. OD went down and I lost the entries that had this and continued on with my feelings.

To begin with I want to say that what I write here is not an attempt to get you back. It is simply away for me to express how I feel on things and to get my feelings out.

I talked to Dr. Welgan, my councilor today. Of course we talked about the break up and the relationship and my views on both.

How do I begin to tell you everything I feel on things at this moment with out seeming to try to win you back. I should begin with the fact I love you. No matter what I will always love you. I wont deny to you that I want you back either. Because I do, more than anything in life I want you back. I want to sit and talk to you, with out irritating you, I want to share my passions with you, my hopes, my wants for the future. I want to sit and recall the night you first arrived in California.

Byron you know that Bryan told me why you wanted to break up, because you feel trapped, trapped by my emotions. Felt that you were the cause of them. In some way you were, Im sorry. But well if I could have explained to you what I did to Dr Welgan today I think it would have helped us out a lot. My insecurities… yes where around you. Ive never understood why you loved me, for you couldnt tell me exactly why just that you did. So I worried about it, I was worried that you loved me only because I was there and loved you. I felt that you would find someone better than me, which in the end you did. The times when I was jealous if I would have just explained to you that I wanted you to recognize my feelings and say it was ok to feel that way, and have you reassure me that you were only friends with the person I was jealous over I would have been ok. I wanted so very little from you. I wanted to know that you loved me, and for you to validate my feelings. To recognize that I had them, but to reassure me I didnt need to when I was insecure. I never truely felt you understood me, or accepted me in that manner. That hurt and I didnt know how to tell you.

Byron I am so hurt because we stopped talking and listening to each other. I truely felt and still do feel that we are soulmates. And I can not picture a life with out you by my side. I so badly want you to know how much I love you, and the sacrifices I would make for you. Not just know but understand. Byron you are the one person in my entire life that has accepted every part of me. The one person I know I can tell anything to no matter what and you will never hate me for it. You showed me so many things in my life, caused me to experience complete contentment with in myself. Having you here… was the happiest days Ive ever had. Ive never known complete satisfaction with life, complete completeness and contentment. I can still feel flutters in my stomach and my heart pounds when I think of the way you looked at me. I want to go back to those two weeks and have them continue on forever.

I am so sorry I caused you to worry about me so much. Im sorry for all the stress I have put on you. I so badly feared loosing you all I did was push you away further. I hurt so badly right now, I miss you like I never have. Byron you were not only my lover, but my hearts content and my best friend. Byron I love you so much to sacrafice my own happiness for yours. I would do it if you had asked me to move to Australia, and I did do by letting you go to Jaki.

I suddenly just wanted you happy, no matter what it cost me. And it cost me more than I expected.

I will love you, in this lifetime and beyond.

Faithfully and with all my heart yours,

Jennifer