100% Honesty

I want to start off by telling Byron that if you read this and are not ready for some complete honesty from me then stop here. If you continue on Byron you forfeit your right to be angry with me for any thing you read in this entry or continuation of this entry. I want to remain your friend no matter what.

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Last chance………

Ok, I have no idea if Byron will continue to read this but something occurred to me this morning and I’ve decided that not being completetly honest with myself is far worse than what Im about to write. The following will be my thoughts, feelings, and decisions in no particular order. I will try and be as clear as possible but I might very well jump back and forth.

I want to start off by saying that since the night I let Byron go I have used any tactic I could to get him back. This morning it stops completely. The reason being is I’m tired of all the games around it all. Ive talked to I would say five or six of my friends about it all and have learned things about Byron I did not see. I honestly think I didnt see it because I didnt want to. My first poem I ever wrote explains it perfectly…

Through the Eyes of Love

Through the eyes of love you see no truth,
With the dreams of heart you see no fault.
In the heart of desire you see no wrong,
With the essance of longing you see no false.
All the valor of wishes you see all stars,
So open your eyes and see past your heart.

The first friend I talked to was my friend Rebekah. We talked and I learn that Jaki may not even think of Byron that way, that she wasnt sure. Jaki had even told her that she really just wanted to see me and Byron get back together. This is what opened up my door of hope. Rebekah even told me about a pro and con list her and Jaki had written up over Byron visiting Jaki. It was 2-5 in favor of him not going out. Like more con’s than pro’s. My heart lept in happiness. I trust Rebekah like a sister and took her word for truth, which I later learned was 100% truth.

The next two people I talked to were my friends John and Amy. John told me he knew about Byron’s feelings for Jaki. He told me the reason he never said anything to me was because he thought Byron would just pass through this like he did over Vivian and a few other girls he had developed crushes on since then… Yes, other girls, more than the one (Viv) that I knew about. John said Byron always seemed to love me and let things go. I now see it as Byron using me to hold onto in his back pocket while he searched to see if something better might come along. Which pains me to know he would have felt like he was settling with me if no one had come along. (More on this later) With Amy, John’s girlfriend I learned more, but I also learned how deep of a friendship Amy and I have. One of my best friends, near sister, the type every girl should have one of….. She really risked my tempet by telling me what she did. She told me byron had even had a crush on her. I was so shocked, not because Amy is unloveable, she’s rather loveable, but because, Me and Byron as a couple, Amy and John were our best friends. We had both helped get the them together. I also learned of another crush Byron had on a girl Tari. Now Byron had talked about Tari to John. Byron had told me Tari was the one who wanted more that he head let her down and said friendship only. Tari says she turned him down because she felt it was wrong because he had a fiance. Something he must have told her because I never did.

Tari was the next person I talked to. It began as an apology for me thinking the toher girl was her when I started to suspect things. From there I learned she was a fellow Christian and from thee we became friends. Tari is a good friend to Byron and does not tell me anything they talk about, nor do I know if she talks to him about me. Our friendship is strickly about our faith and sisterhood because of it. Though she has said that she could never have been with Byron because he is not Christian. Faith is a huge deal to her.

The next person I spoke to simply told me the truth. Byron had gone to a friend of mine, that was defineately more my friend not his. Not that Im being selfish, thats just how it was. Sheele, told me how Byron would go to him about his crushes. Sheele told me that he had told Byron, that he felt Byron was not ready for the type of relationship him and I had. That Byron was more in love with the idea of being in love then actually in love. Which I see as truth. He is. For if he was truely in love with me the way I was with him he would never have gone in search of another girl. Sheele told me some very honest truths, all though it hurt me greatly I value that honesty greatly. It was what started opening up my eyes to the truth about Byron. That it was Byron who was the insecure oine, the one in fear of opening himself completely to another person. It wasnt becasue I wasnt doing so but because Byron couldnt. More on my views about that in a moment.

(continued on next entry)