Misplaced faith

Well Ethan broke up with me tonight. Claims he wasnt even sure if he has forgiven me for what I did. I think its all an excuse.. he gave a few reasons… all excuses. Im not sure if Im hurt or angry at him. He claims he doesnt love me anymore, Im not sure if Im angry at acting like it when we got back together, or hurt that he could so easily stop. Then again at the same time Im relieved. It was something I was thinking needed to be done. Not because Ethan wasnt good enough, but because he was younger than me. Not because I dont love him, its just I require a lot more than he could give me at this time.

So Im not sure exactly how I feel about it all. I will miss how close we are. But then again, maybe that wont stop? I will miss though having someone saying they love me. That I think is always my hardest thing of break ups. Men seem to think they cant say I love you any more even if they do… Yes, I know its not the same, but its still nice to know that they didnt just stop feeling it.

I knew Ethan and I couldnt work out when I met Brandon. I was far too interested in Brandon, he’s my age to start off with, has so many things about him that I like. He wants to be a kindergarten teacher, he sculpts, he dances… He has the most beautiful green eyes. He is local to me, no long distance…. and he called me first when we exchanged numbers. Now just to get him to call me again… I know it seems shallow to already be intersted in Brandon, but the interest was there before Ethan and I broke up. I just was respectful of Ethan and didnt act on it. Now I can, and the idea makes me smile.

Then again, I want to cry my eyes out over Ethan…. all the while hate him for breaking my heart… then again I think did he really break my heart? Ok so I have a lot of emotions around the break up… Mostly I will miss the closeness of a relationship, I will miss him, and I will miss his love.