Love…

I dont want my readers thinking Im going to immediatly go and get attached to Brandon, I’d like to get to know him, but I’d like to settle into myself first. Ethan, Im going to start using his real name now… Jordan. Mostly anyone who reads this knows now anyway. Or those who know us.

We talked this morning, he told me he only said the harsh things to me so that I would not try and keep him.. Its the distance that is mostly killing us, he says yes he still loves me. Which is easier to take.. I can understand him being young.. wanting someone closer to him. I could not understand suddenly not loving me… But he does so it makes it easier in some ways. Harder in others because knowing we both love each other makes me want to just like throw it all away and move.. Be near him.. But then again, I cant, I cant put who I am in his life. He doesnt need to worry about it..

When I asked him if we would stay friends, close friends he said that he really wanted that. That he cried over the fact that this break up means never again… NOt to come back… I want him happy though, and I do know that means I do not need to be anything but a friend. He still wants to come visit in March, but Im not sure that woudl be a good idea. I’d like him to, but we’ll have to see how feelings have settled. Same as my friends wedding in new york sthis summer. He does owe me a slow dance and a kiss, so… who knows… I have to have him clearly on my friend only list before I can do anything like that. Or feelings will get in teh way and make things harder.

I do want to get to know Brandon better… he really seems like someone I’d get along with, but as many of my note leavers, or one in particular that I value her opinion very much has advised… Find myself, settle into myself…

Myself scares me…