breaking up and Dad

Jason came online today and well to make it really easy on me he wanted to move our relationship back to just friends. Why is that easy on me, well because I had found out about some lies and I had been unable to completely open up to him. Ive been wanting to be just friends again for awhile and it made it easy on me for not having to be the one to do so.

About a week ago I began talking to an online friend over the phone. He’s basically this really nice guy, one that it always seems to have other females wanting his attention and what not. Oddly enough he’s given it to me the past week. Why I still have yet to figure out why, because Im sure there are other females that are far more … well far more everything than I am. But its really nice because when he’s online while I am he sits in the same IRC channel as I do… even comes looking for me or waits for me in there just so he can talk to me.

I dont want to be interested in him, for he’s in no way ready for anything more than friends, but I cant help it. I like him…. grrr… I always like someone though dont I?

Despite that stuff, my dad has seriously considered letting me move in with him to get back on my feet. Ive even been given the house key and I’ll be able to move in the end of april. Im not too sure how this is going to go because there are some times I just prefer to be alone. I’d have to find another job which is fine because I dont want to work for pacific bell. I hate working for them.

Ive been depressed lately and I cant seem to find my way out of it. Change….. even just the idea of change causes me to have such bad anxiety. Moving in with my dad is one such thing. Quitting pacbell even though I hate it is another. I’d be able to go back to school….

Im glad I have a therapist apointment tomorrow this way I get the chance to talk about all this change….

I hate change…. rather I hate the way it leaves me feeling out of control.