Cleaning up

In more ways then one. Ive deleted all my favorites. All of them. For one main reason and he knows who he is. Im sorry for betraying your privacy.

I want to write about breaking addictions tonight. There are many kind of addictions, drugs, sex, love, alcohol, gambling, the internet…

This entry is about breaking them. For myself breaking all addictions I have. Ive always had the need to excape, as a child I read books, baby sitters club, sweet valley high, VC Andrew’s books, any book that would get me out of my world into another. I still read, just not as much. It takes me a month to get through a book that I used to be able to read 3 or 4 in a day. It moved from books to drinking. I discovered alcohol in high school. When I was 14 I wasnt quite addicted to it yet, but I was addicted to the trouble I got into. By the time I graduated high school I was very lucky to do so. I started drinking again that summer after. Party after party drink after drink. Weed. Suddenly I find myself smoking weed. Then speed. I find myself having sex with someone I had been friends with for about two months and we went out… damn sex was the next addiction. Something I havent really talked about here in my od. I stop the speed… I move…. sex stays, drinking stays and I find a group of friend that I can smoke weed with again. Woah… speed…. Im on speed again. I party more than I can handle finally lose it all completely and have to move to my grandmothers house. I get a job and start to clean up. I meet a friend and we go to the club, we smoke weed, I drink. Next its falling in love. Suddenly Im in love … or so I would think… boyfriend after boyfriend… My grandmother dies… I hide from the world and find the internet….. Im clean only because Im not going out….. I move and have not net access…. addiction gone… partying and weed are back. Sex is back. I get a computer for christmas in 1999 I still in touch with some of my old net friends via phone. I come back I meet Byron. If you’ve read this OD you know how things have gone since then.

Last month I was told that I cant drink or of course do any kind of drugs with the medication Im on for my bi-polarism. I havent done any drugs at all since October, and my last drink I dad was just last week. But I havent gotten drunk in over a month. So far so good yes? Sex…. was the last night I got drunk, and I have made the resolve to make it more than just sex if I do sex again. My last two addictions, the net and love. Ok can I just work on the ones Im working on now?

The net…. shit, what can I say… I was asked about a month ago if I had been stranded on an island what is the one thing I would want most. I replied my computer with full net access. Forget food, forget water, forget shelter, forget my mom, my cat, a book, someone to keep my company… I answered my computer with full net access.

The love addiction… Im not really if its the actual need for love or the desire to fall in love, the desire to be loved, what ever it is… I always seem to have someone I like or want or blah….

Im also insanely envious of a few of my friends. It seems that so many of them… Ok a couple of them, who are so similar to me.. suffer from bi polar and it seems everyone flocks to protect them…. am I just not seeing this for myself? Or because Im older have I learned to push people away to prevent myself from getting hurt …. God, sometimes I wish I had the ability to stop and look at the way I act, the way I can look at others and see what and why they do things… I cant see myself though…. I hate not seeing the truth of myself and what it is I do to ruin good friendships…

Blah, someone somewhere grant me the insite I need so badly….