The scared heart of a blade.

He talked to my friend Melanie today. Talked to her about me. He’s worried that I might like him too much. He doesnt want to hurt me. But yet he talks to me, he tells me he misses me and loves to talk to me. Not just like to talks to me but loves talking to me.

Melanie and I talked about the fact that its very obviously he likes me more than he’s comfortable with. I understand him not wanting to get into a relationship, I even respect it. Actually its very nice to me because it gives me time to get my whole life together. Yes I like him, Yes I like him as much as he’s scared I do. But so what. Im not this insipid little girl who is just going to fall in love at the drop of any of attention. I like having his friendship, I like how he misses me and worries about me. But would I be willing to risk my heart in the heart break he only has to offer me right now? Well yes Im always willing to risk getting hurt if it means that I might find just that one brief moment of happiness. But will I chase after him to be my boyfriend? No.

Melanie agree’s with me that he likes me probably as much as I like him but that he’s terrified of getting hurt so uses not wanting to hurt me as an excuse to push me away. That is fine, Im content to let him sit at arms length and be his friend. He still loves her (her being Stacy), you can sense that in his anger at her for hurting him. Its the same way I get angry at Byron. Because of the love not because of the hatred. Anger in love is far more wrathful than hatred. If you hate someone you simply choose to seperate you life away from that person, but when you love them you can not so you instead choose anger.

I know when I tease him about certain things he freaks out thinking Im looking for more than friendship with him. Its as if every female he’s had contact with since his divorce always expects more. I wont deny that I’d like more but well he’s just not ready so Im content with what we have. I’ll even honestly say that Im going to sit here wait… yeah whatever… Ive learned that if its going to happen it will in its own time… I dont have to wait. I can be his friend and pursue other things in my life… That does include love if I so choose. He’s a really terrific guy and I do wish he’s not be so skittish about what he thinks I want from him. I think the fact he possilbly likes me as much as he does scares him greatly.

OHh and not to point out the obvious, I dont like being the rebound thing. I’ll stick to just being his friend thank you, I dont want to be what Jason was for me. It sucks and I dont wish that on anyone especially myself. He does need the rebound thing badly, someone he can just hold onto, to reassure him he’s still this wonderful person… I’d like to be there as his friend that way but I cant. I want too much… So instead of risking this I will sit back and just stay his friend. I probably should mold our friendship a bit differently so he doesnt continue thinking I want more, or rather that Im trying to get more. Want and trying to get are two different things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok that was the very grown up and logical side of me… I’d like to go on about him, show how obviously I like him but then I’d just allow myself that self indulgence and I really dont want to go there….

Fuck it….

I like him, I cant help it. He listens, he talks, he opens up and talks to me. I like it, I like the way he says he misses me when he see’s the color baby blue. ::chuckles:: definitely an inside joke there… I like how he is trying so hard not to like me and the more he tries not to it seems the more he fails.

I want to so badly just kiss him and show him there is nothing to be afraid of if you truely want to risk finding happiness. Im not saying finding it with me but just to take the risk. Nothing in life is worth anything if you dont risk going after happiness. Hrm ::stops and thinks:: Yeah I should learn to listen to myself sometimes….

Yeah so Im going to go think on that and leave you all with my favorite quote.

Fear, will prevent you from having the best things in life. Im not afraid are you?