Is there any place you’d like to be?

I’d like to be with Justin.

I want to actually run away and start over. Forget my car, for get my life here, and just start over.

Except I know something about myself, I wouldnt be any happier.

I can see it when I look back at things in my life, no matter where I am, Im unhappy. But only for the moment, later as life moves on, I look back at memories and dont see the unhappiness I felt… Like in Texas, so many people thought I would like moving back to California because I said I missed it so much, and I guess I seemed very unhappy to a lot of people about texas, except now I look back at it and dont see it that way, I liked my life in Texas, I wish I could just capture it in a time bottle and just live it always.

Im worried that this will affect Justin, he told me about this dream he had about me getting there and hating everything and always saying how much better california is… I might do that at first, but I dont think I’ll truely hate it. Its just in me to be unhappy sometimes.

I hate my parents, both sets of them. Offering to help me with school then not doing so. Its really not my fault I cant find a job, Im looking. Im really sick of my mother, just the thought of her makes me think violent thoughts. Its a good thing I cant or wouldnt act on them, instead I get angry, though it doesnt matter even when Im not angry at her she complains all the time to me all the time, about everything I do. God I drove her around town one of the places was Wal-mart because her truck lost its breaks. We didnt get anything for me at Wal-mart I didnt want to go, but I went with no complaints I dont mind running errands, but I part the second slot in the parking lot, you know no other car closer to the door on my isle than the one before me… she bitches… I actually pride myself on my luck of always getting good spots to park, she complains saying I’ll never get out of it easily… Mind you I did no cars blocking or anything… Now if I parked way in the back she would have complained about me making her walk so far…

Its really driving me nuts, she yells at me for everything as if its my fault my step brother is daft and doesnt do things right… Like rinse dishes, when I rinse them I stack them neatly on the counter not just put in the sink filling them… I hate that its a pet peeve because then you CANT use the sink, who’s fault is it? Mine, for reasons I dont get…… he could just as easily put his dishes in the dishwasher….

Bah, Im really miserable right now, I just want to get through school and get on my feet. Not likely to happen though…. Not while I live with my parents.. I need a job and I need one fast. Ive made it past the interview and was offered a job, took the drug test which I’ll pass because its been over a year since Ive done anything illegal, then it’ll be the background check. The Background check is what Im worried about, ever since the last one didnt come back ok. Its this bad credit thing that’s really going to hurt me.

I want to take Justin up on his offer and move, especially since my mom is really being this bitch. Keeps threatening to call the cops on me when we argue, I dont hit her, I dont break anything and she yells at me just as much as I do at her… Threatens to kick me out, does this, “I hope I die in my surgry” bull shit. She’s fucking vindictive and I cant stand it.

I really pushed Justin too far tonight. He’s been great with my moods until tonight. I really hope I havent fucked up, which I more than likely have because that’s what I do.

I cant seem to open up as much to him as I used to with others in the past. It bothers me because I seem to just be waiting for the disappointing end, I cant really feel as deeply about anyone anymore. I really like Justin though, a lot, and I like the way we get along for the most part, well for the parts when Im not moody…

::sighs:: Its just my heart doesnt sing for him, rather it doesnt sing for much anymore….