Outside views of my depression

I finally recieved all the paper work from Value Options, the mental health care insurance company I had when I was working at Pacbell.

I was reading through the notes of when I was out patient hospitalized and Im amazed at how I look from another persons percpective. Amazed isnt really the word I wish to use.

Distraught. The VO person in charge of my case actually asked the person who was over seeing my case while I was hospitalized if I was exegerating my symptoms. In other words was I being honest about being sick.

I suppose because its a mental health issue, its harder to prove symptoms are real, but really. If I could I’d give up being manic depressive in a heart beat. I’d love to be able to have this all perfect outlook on life and not the “denial” of abuse they claim I have. Although I never really see how I was abused, but I know I have other problems on the way I deal with things. I do get to emotionally involved in EVERYTHING I do and I know that it can impede my judgement. But to out and call me a liar for being sick.. This truely hurts me deeply and it even makes me question my own self. Which causes the cycle of self doubt and depression.

How horrible to put someone in an outpaitent hospital program, make them sit in groups all day then think they are making it up. Blah.

Either way the case worker from the hospital told VO, it was unlikely I was exagerating my symptoms. Then I got to read her reports about myself and my depression. Not always a good way to look at yourself when you are unprepared for it. There is a lot of negative things said about me and my behavior and how I interact with the people.

I know it was over two years ago, and I have changed a lot, but I wonder if I might still have some of those problems. Might not be as drastic, but I might still have a few of them? Well getting the information from my health insurance company will allow me to go through the state and get disability so that I can get medicare, so I can see a doctor. It frustrates me to no end that I cant get on medicaid to see a dr, because suddenly the state feels Im not manic depressive anymore because the state would have to pay for all of the medicaid and not have me pay a portion of it. Blah. Stupid state of Missouri.

Anyhow, Justin’s not feeling to well so Im going to go meander over to the bedroom and see what I can do to help him or if he needs anything…