Good morning stretch

I waited up to talk to Kornbread this morning after work, mostly because he complained I was never online anymore and I ICQ’d him back an offline message letting him know I”d wait up for him. It wasnt for him I waited up, mostly I needed to talk to him about my Sabbat character, somethings happened and I was time freezed for almost two weeks but now that Im out of it I can have her react to what she has learned. One of this is having to get ahold of KB’s character.

A friend of mine died this past weekend. Brenden, I know I haven’t spoken much of him, but he is one of those friends that is just a friend that you dont need to talk about much. He was a member of my LARP club, so a lot of people were affected. He passed away in his sleep. This was all I was told on Monday when I found out, so you can imagine my anxiety freaked outself about death. People my age dont just die in their sleeps.

Anxiety caused the fishtank dream. I truely hate this dream, this time the fish tanks came shaped oddly, like branches of a tree and they could reach out and grab at me. Was more horrific than normal. I didnt sleep well during the day on monday after learning of Brenden’s death. (Recall I work nights at the IRS so I sleep during the day.) Tuesday evening at his Memorial service I couldn’t go up to the open casket and say my good byes. I’ve still not been able to cry about it.

People my age dont just die in their sleep… I did finally learn at the Memorial service he had heart failure in his sleep, so it wasn’t just dying in his sleep.

But I can’t help thinking about him. It was only the weekend before I was talking to him, Justin and him talking about plans for their characters….

Death is very scary, it just takes you, with out any thought of the things you might want to do or plan.

I’ve not had much sleep since then, hense why Im still awake at 1030am when I should be sleeping for work.

This has me thinking of Misha as well.

My grandmother too.

Its very sad but I can only name four people in my life that have died, although I am sure I have some great aunts etc that have passed on, but 4 people that were a part of my life on a more regular basis than a distant relative.

Makes my chest tighten up like my body wants to send me into an anxiety attack.

I suppose I should find the time to cry, but I dont feel like I have the right to.

I’m supposed to go see a play Friday night, with Sam (female sam) and Justin and then Sam’s birthday party is this Saturday. Im not sure I feel like being social either, but many of my friends that knew Brenden will be there too.

I feel he got cheated.

Im only going to be 28 and he just turned 37, we aren’t supposed to be saying farewell to friends, its grandparents and such that we are supposed to mourn at this age, not friends, not people we see and hang out with. This is the time in our lives when things are truely just going to be something more than the drama of high school and college. This is when we go to weddings and celebrate births of babies with each other..

I feel cheated as well. I was just sitting there with him the week before and he had his smile that he ALWAYS had for you and we sat kinda quietly. We said somethings IC but there wasnt really much IC to say, and usually we would talk OOC, but we just sat quietly. I wasted what few moments I had left with him…

I’ve gone and used my diary selfishly, and have the tears I needed so badly…

I will go for now, hopefully when I return I will not be in such a meloncholy mood.