Old Email From Elena.

Dated Fri Aug 16 01:10:00 2002.

Note upon completion of this e-mail: Wow. I sound harsh. Guess I’m too tired to make things nice and neat and unhurtful. I…hope you aren’t offended or anything… :

So yeah. I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake. So, I turned my light back on and started writing you a letter. Then I stopped, because it’s kind of silly to be writing you a letter when we’ll meet before you’ll get a chance to read it.

Then I decided to write. Turned on the computer, wrote a few paragraphs, stopped after I couldn’t figure out how people in a medieval fantasy would eat chicken.

I was mindlessly playing Mahjongg and pinball, and I was thinking about you, and Cliff, and your guy issues, and such.

And, I’ve come up with a bunch of stuff I want to tell you!

… Guys. I was thinking about Cliff and his devotion to Aubrey. It’s really admirable. He’s a good guy. And I was thinking, there are a lot of good guys out there. What’s your problem with them as a whole? I thought more. Guys… they’re all good. Really. Every single male on this planet has good points. They all have good good masculine traits and have bad masculine traits (we’ll just leave feminine traits out of this entirely).

Like you, for example. Mostly, you hold yourself above your guy bashing. I mean, you include yourself in the category of “guy”, yet you think you’re somewhat better than the rest, because you realize what asses guys are. But, when I thought about it, I got into a whole ramble in my head about your ass-like guy traits. (Sorry about this, dear.)

Your analyticalness. You feel the need to analyze everything. There has to be a reason to every little thing in your life, and if there isn’t an obvious one, you dig around in your head until you find one that satisfies you. Things can’t just be.

Your lack of emotion. This ties into your analyticalness. You analyze everything, leaving no room for emotion. There’s a reason for everything, including emotions, so why bother with them, eh? Emotions are just chemicals that cloud the logical part of your brain, blah blah blah.

Sometimes you need to just be, not questioning the how or the why of it.

Wonder at the beauty of the world without clouding yourself with the science of it. Science. Bah. A bunch of people pretending they know how the world functions. Bullshit.

The same goes for love. Love isn’t just lust plus committment plus trust plus whatever. Love is love. All your ramblings about lust and love are just you scrambling to find explanations for something that can’t be explained. There can be no definition of love. Love is.

And I just think it’s sad how you can’t just accept something for what it is.

There is wonder in the world. Not everything can be explained away using science.

Science is a dirty word.

So yeah, I deviated a lot from my original topic, but these were random things going through my head, and I…wanted to share. *shrugs*

You’re such a beautiful person, but you can’t believe in the beauty that is.

Sleep well.

Elena.

Somewhere in my rambling mind, I was reminded of that last line. It’s ringed with me a lot. It’s just something I’ll never forget. Maybe she’d be happy with how I’ve progressed.

Wait. I just realized something. I always remembered it as “You’re such a beautiful person, yet you can’t see the beauty of the world around you.” Odd. *fondles beard* Funny how memory works. Close enough. I wonder if she said what I remember at another time. Or that’s simply what the meaning of it was to me. Who knows.

I won’t even touch why I was thinking about her. I’m not even sure. My mind wanders when I can’t asleep.