Study Shows New Cars Increases Penis Size.

(DETROIT, MICHIGAN) Do you or a loved one suffer from Small Penis Syndrome™? Do you feel like you can’t quite make the par? Does your partner seem ill-equipped to fulfill all your needs? If so, then perhaps you need a new car! A study released this week claims “purchasing a fast car can increase penis size up to four inches!”

Small Penis Syndrome™ is a crippling ailment that millions of Americans won’t admit to. For many still in denial about their small penis, buying a new car may be the way for them to increase their penis size without admitting their true motivations.

..Erm. This sounded good in my head. But it feels like overkill. Will the small penis jokes ever stop being funny?

Wife Emma Vitch said about her husband, “We used to barely be able to get out of the driveway. But since my husband bought a new car, we go zero to sixty for a few laps before taking a pit stop – and then going for a victory lap.”

Well, that exhausted that avenue of thought.

Crippled with reports that cars are “damaging the environment”, the auto industry is relieved with a new study that reports cars are, in fact, freeing the Earth from poisonous toxins. Released last week to a forum of over a thousand voting Republicans, the study also reports that an excess of driving may “reduce necessary energy input to the body”. A round of Angus Burgers were then released into the crowd, offered as a “one meal that provides all the calories you need for a week”.

Once you get it down, it becomes rather simple to say the absurd. The Simpsons exploited this best in an episode where a commercial runs, “Families First HURTS families!” It’s pretty much what the Bush Administration does. They take the truth, equate it with falsehoods, and throw in a lot of buzzwords like “liberty”, “freedom”, and “security”.

Pakistan is our ally in the fight against terrorism. They know a lot about how repressive societies are. We need to secure questionable citizens, so we may have the freedom to persue liberty. We will win the peace.

So far and so forth.

The national debt is a reflection of how much money we’re spending. How much money we’re spending is a reflection of the economy. So the higher the national debt, the stronger our economy is.

Convulted logic never fails.

The Democrats want you to actually be responsible for your fellow man! They believe the government is a function of society, and as members of society, we need to contribute to the greater good! I say no to this Socialistic hogwash! We are a capitalistic society, and I say that if you need help, you better ask somebody else. By the way, we need to liberate this third world country.

I guess I just don’t understand Republican logic at all.

We need to test our children. And by testing, we need to eliminate competition. Competition makes students feel like somebody is smarter than them. And in America, we believe that we have bigger penises than everybody else. Henceforth, all males will be given surgery at birth to increase their penis size.

…Oh shit, there I go again with the penis size stuff. But, I tend to use penis size as a metaphor. I’m reminded of something in Janney’s profile.

America: We have the biggest dick in the world!
World: You are the biggest dick in the world!
God: Don’t make me stop this car!

*laughs*

The way the Republican Right wants to have abstinence-only sex education and science that isn’t science, I’m reminded of how the Nazi’s took controlled the school system. No, I’m not saying the Republican regime is as evil the Nazi regime. I’m just saying it’s important to remember the past so we don’t repeat mistakes. The irony is that despite this languishing of intelligent students, there are still those that believe that they need to “get ahead”. Take that however you will.

I don’t think there is a single answer to fixing the school systems in America. It’s parents, it’s teachers, and it’s also the kids themselves. Regardless, I do not believe that breeding ignorance (in sex education) is healthy. Treating Science is a trivial subject is dangerous, regardless of your religion. It’s important to see science as what it is: A process. (Does that sound right?) Regardless of your religion, there’s no harm in knowing how babies are made. Geez.

Besides, it’s quite fascinating when you sit down and think about it. So let me get this straight, two microscopic gametes combine, and.. the cells multiply and.. it.. WTF?

Has there ever been a group that protested for the right for diseases to live? They’re as living as ants or any other lower creatures. The cycle of life. Disease kills off the weak, sad to say. There would be a great cleansing in humanity if all medicine were suddenly erased. (My medicine, I mean usage of items to cure disease, not actual knowledge of how to prevent things. There’s a difference between knowledge and application.)

The American attitude that we need to cleanse the world and implant our own ideology, with the egostical assumption that our ideology is “right”, really is rather facist. If you think about it. It’s about as facist as Manifest Destiny.

(For those not of the US, or who didn’t pay attention in history, Manifest Density is the notion that God meant for the United States to expand beyond the Mississippi (River) and fill the land between there and the Pacific. Oh, and kill some natives along the way. Isn’t there a saying that virtually every conquering force in history has thought it had God on it’s side? But, that’s another story.)

Small mom and pop stores are bad for the economy because they do not serve a large number of people. WalMart can serve many, MANY more people! That is why we need WalMart to buy from overseas.

*smiles*

There are religious fanatics who wish to take over America. They want to DESTROY YOUR FREEDOM. That is why we all need to GOTO Disneyland! They could attack at ANY TIME. Take a vacation! WE KNOW AN ATTACK IS NEAR! Buy a new car! That is why we need a President that is a born-again Christian.

Oh, that brings me to my favorite topic.

Terrorists hate freedom. We must give them the freedom to stop repressing themselves. Terrorists are jealous that we get fifty channels of porn. That is why we need censorship of the airwaves. We must secure the homeland by invading a small third-world country. We have been hailed as liberators. That is why there are still pockets of “resistance”. Our freedom-fighters are moving quickly to dispatch all dissident. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

*snickers*

THE COALITION OF THE WILLING!

“You could say, it’s the mother of all coalitions.” – George W. Bush

The genius behind the so-called War on Terror is that, even if it fails, it works. There are two outcomes: Either there will be a terrorist attack, or there will not be a terrorist attack. If there is a terrorist attack, then the Bush Administration looks good for warning civilians, and then civilians will be even more fearful and will be more willing to give up their rights. If there is no attack, then the Bush Administration can claim victory in “stopping” terrorist attacks. Nevermind that lovely memo they received in August 2001 that said ‘OSAMA TO STRIKE WITHIN UNITED STATES’.

…

Disturbingly evil.