Onward into the day!

I told you that I’m out of shape. I got 8 hours of sleep last night, going to bed before 1 AM, yet I’m still a bit tired. It feels like physical fatigue. I purposely went easy on myself yesterday. I have a membership to the Y, so I’m using it. I feel a bit silly, but I’m pushing that out of mind. No more “I can’t”s or excuses. I’ve spent far too long resigning myself to physical diminutiveness.

Though, I have alterior motives driving me there. Exercising for the sake of exercising is kind of silly. Instead, I see it as a reason to get up in the morning. If I get up late, then I feel lazy. If I get up in the morning, regardless of how “tired” I am, I end up feeling like I’ve done more. It’s all rhetoric manipulation. Proving to myself, “I can exercise. I can be physically strong.”

Lists of “things to do” or a homework agenda book never appealed to me. They tend to be lists of things “I don’t want to do.” I’m better served by lists of, “Things I want to do.”

I once saw the virtue of baby-steps. Trying to ease yourself into something. No pressure. But. I think the hesitancy to change has kept me from making that second step. With the way realizations go, I don’t seem to move in baby steps. I move by leaps and bounds. That is to say, working out was never something I ever conceptualized. It was never a goal. I just kept hearing myself say, “I couldn’t”, so I turned that into a “I can, and I will. I’ll show you.” Claiming I can’t stick to something is not a good excuse to avoid trying.

I got up yesterday to prove I can wake up on a day I don’t have class in the morning. I broke a sweat. I remember thinking to myself, “I could never shower in public.” So I did that, just to show I could. I ate at CCM, in spite of the excuses I made before. I went to the library and took notes on the next econ chapter. I didn’t say read. You don’t read that book. You look over the headings and bold words, and make sure you understand the concepts. I fired off some emails to Ashley. Because I wanted to. I went back to the van and made some more spanish vocabulary flashcards. Nothing like having a stack of cards, most of which you already know. Hold it up and say, “I know this much.” I was fading during Unix, but kept myself awake by answering the teacher’s questions. (If I didn’t, there would have been silence. Gotta keep him moving.) I went looking for Cliff and Liz. Found them. Chatted. Departed. I found myself oddly horny yesterday, so I took care of that when I got home. I ate dinner. At 11 PM, I stripped and put on my bathrobe, making myself feel like it was almost time for bed. By the time I crawled into bed, I was relaxed and drifted off rather easily.

Maybe I should write out The New Plan. Or at least give it a different name. I want The New Plan to simply be The Plan, because as I stick with it, it won’t be new for very long. Organically, organically; nobody could have given me this plan, it was something that had to happen from within.

Me, me, me.

Me, too.