Stupid Boys!!!

Its been a while since I’ve sorted everything out. Tim called like last week Sunday or so and told me the reason he didn’t call was because he was afraid to. Bahumbug!! Oh well. He called and we talked and it was good. We didn’t discuss everything that we needed to, but enough was said that I think we are on somewhat better footing. I’ve talked to him twice. All my other friends, I’ve talked to 3 or 70 times (lol). Anyways what ever. A certain friend I have been talking to almost nonstop is Manuel. Almost everyday. Usually twice a day. Its crazy I know. Oh well. And I’ve discovered that he is still in love with me. Head over heels in love with me. You have no idea how much! I certainly didn’t. I asked him why he never told me when Tim and I were going out and he said it was because he did not want to hurt me. (So sweet!) And all he wanted was for me to be happy and I could be with Tim so he was happy. Talk about self-sacrifice for the one you love. Anyway – I thought I would be fine to leave it at that. But we talk everyday and he’s been there for me when Tim wasn’t calling and when I was upset. And I don’t know…somewhere in there I started to fall in love with him. And its one of those things I can’t explain why or how excatly but I was, and by the time I realized it, it was too late. And now I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do. Manny and I are seriously (together and individually) considering getting back together. And everything in me says forget tim. He left you to face Calvin alone. Manny was there. Tim left you to face everything alone. Manny was there, even when he was dealing with stuff himself. Everyone is telling me (almost everyone) to forget Tim and go with Manny. But if Tim were to turn around today and ask me to come back, I think I would. It would at least make me stop and think. And Czar says that just that alone should make me stop and wait. If I have this small doubt about Tim, maybe I’m not ready for Manny. And he’s right. I have no right dating another guy if I’m still thinking about Tim. And Manny has already gone through that. I was not completely over Matt when we began to date and Manny was just a rebound. I don’t want him to be a rebound off of Tim too. I don’t know if he could take it. He says he could, but I know him better. It would drive him insane. He’s always there, but who do I think of? Tim. Who do I want to call first when something goes wrong? Tim. Who is my last thought at night?? Tim. And I have no right leading Manny along. And he knows me so damn well. He said that although I try to forget and move on, there is always something that pulls me back to Tim and he’s right. But if I were to describe my perfect man, it would be Manny, just about right down to a T. He reacts and thinks and is just how I’ve always wanted HIM to be. He and I can “argue” and get “up in arms” but we never really fight. Or get really pissed at each other. Its usually at a situation or a deal like that. But it helps to yell and scream and let things out. Tim was never like that and he drive me insane that he doesn’t get mad. OH GOD!! But I can still see him, feel him, sense him. He…..I don’t know…..He is almost like that forbidden fruit that I only had a taste of but will never get to keep. I don’t know. I’m just going insane. I remember sitting in my kitchen talking to Tim and him (for the first time) forcing me to stop and talk to him. GRRRRRR!!!! Drives me nuts!!
I care about Manny but I care about Tim, too and I know this all makes no sense, but its how it is.

And how dare Manny think I don’t know what scares him. I know he’s scared of getting hurt again. Doesn’t he know I’m afraid of hurting him too!! Doesn’t he know that? Doesn’t he know that he has now been put on the list of boys who can make me cry. There are 2. Tim and Manny. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid boys, making me cry!