Don’t Need Anyone

So I’ve come to a new conclusion. I can’t need anybody. Not anymore. It hurts too much when they disappoint me and I can’t take that disappointment. Not anymore. Perhaps I set my standards too high. And when people can’t reach them, I say that they disappoint me. And perhaps my standards are high. But all I wanted was for him to be there for me. Not as my boyfriend, not as MINE, but as a friend. And I thought we could be just friends. Like Manny was willing to do that for me, I’m willing to do that for Tim. If all he wants right now if friendship, then that’s what we’ll be. But he’s got to be a friend then. And it feels like he’s not. Maybe all I am is just a girl he once knew. And that’s why I didn’t want to believe him, standing in my kitchen. I didn’t want to believe that I was just a friend, some acquaintance. I didn’t want break down all my walls and expose all my secrets. But he was gentle and persistent and so patient. I couldn’t help giving in and letting him inside me and letting my guards down. Slowly I did. I let them down and I let him inside. And as long as he was there, the hole I made in my wall was safe. But now, he’s gone and he won’t come back and I don’t know why. And the hole that he made is vulnerable and painful. I feel it. I’ve started to try and cover it and Manny helps. But I’m not going to let another guy cover that hole. Because when he leaves it will hurt just as much. And he is so persistent and patient and gentle, that I want to let him cover the hole and help with the healing, but if I do that, a piece of him will be with me on that scar. And while that might not be so bad, what if he hurts me? What if he pulls away and I have to go through it all over again? And that’s why I’ve pulled away. I have to heal that hole first. I have to get back to where I was.
But I can’t. I need someone to lean on. NO, I can’t need someone! I have to be independent and do this myself. And so I can’t open up to people. I’m withdrawing back inside myself. Into the box that Feather talked about, where only my music can be, where no one can hurt me. Damn the person who tries to break in and help. My bark isn’t as bad as my bite, but some people know how bad my bark can be. (And yes that saying is backwards on purpose.)
So the conclusion is still final. I can’t need anybody. If I can’t need anybody, I can’t get hurt. So I can’t need anybody.