Repeating oneself

At times I can get very annoyed by the fact that people always repat themselves. At the draughts club I get to know people over time and they say things that they’ve said before. This is probably normal, but I don’t like it. People should be more original and come up with knew ideas. I have said many times before in my journals, which is ironic. I should be more creative, more artistic. I would want to be a writer. Something to distinguish myself and climb out of the grayness that is mediocrity.

At work I am being taught to fit in more, into the mould of the socially accepted norm. They said things weren’t going all that well. I should have a haircut, I am too old to wear a hoody with stars or old t-shits with faded colours. I have adapted and now they say things are going well on all fronts.

I feel I am being pulled in two different directions at the same time. I want to be myself, I want to fit in (by doing the same things that the others are doing, just smile and nod, smile and nod). I get sick of it. All these social conventions. That’s a problem. If I want to fit in I’ll have to bide by all theses unwritten rules (which I am in the process of learning/listening to people tell them to me ). These rules are binding and make me feel like I can’t move. If I don’t follow these hard to grasp rules I won’t fit in and won’t be able to function in the real world. I would have lost my job hadn’t I adapted.

At work I am now wearing the latest fashion and normal boring neutral coloured shirts. Nothing special to express myself. Sinking in a grey swamp of mediocrity.