1/12/09

Sometime last week, I removed my ring and didn’t feel like wearing it back. That feeling came back, the feeling of wanting to leave him. But this time, I didn’t feel that devastation that I usually I would feel just by imagining us not being together anymore. I felt numbed. Like it didn’t matter anymore. Whatever he said, whatever he would say.

Perhaps because I wasn’t upset, wasn’t happy, wasn’t very angry, wasn’t feeling much at all, it seemed like a joke to him when I mentioned it again. He just brushed it off with a ‘yah yah yah’. I didn’t feel the need to say anymore, if it appears that he isn’t interested in why I would say things like that, and brush me off as such. Perhaps he needed weeks to think before he could come up with another appropriate response.

When I took off the diamond heart necklace he had given me, when I said I want to give him back the tatty-bear he had bought for one of my birthdays, it was faced with some more ‘You don’t always like that hor!’ When I told him I hadn’t worn the ring for days, and maybe some day I’d wear it again when I’m happy again, the only thing he said was ‘Ok lor’.

I wanted to see hurt, but I saw more of nonchalance. Perhaps he was hurting, but he wasn’t showing it. No, of course it wasn’t my intention to hurt him when I do and say these things, but one would expect hurt as a natural reaction, if he loves me and is afraid of losing me. I thought he promised to try to tell me how he felt, if not show it? If it isn’t said, isn’t showed, what I see tells me that it doesn’t matter to him, or perhaps to him, it was just another of my tantrums.

I’m not stupid. I know if I use breaking up as a threat over and over, to make him treat me better, do what I expect of him as a boyfriend, it would end up as nothing but an empty threat over time. But it’s not a threat. It’s just what I feel. Because despite whatever promises he made about trying that night at the park, I don’t see any changes. What I see are just more empty promises, apart from those he made that night.

I too tried to do what he wanted to do. Talk to him first, and not let him read about what I’m feeling from my OD and not from me directly. I kept all my emotions in, and waited for him. But the promises he broke meant I couldn’t see him, couldn’t talk to him. How long was I supposed to keep everything in? Even the most basic stuffs about hwo my day went, I didn’t even have the chance to share with him. I tried to wait for you to be able to be free enough, energetic enough to spend time with me, speak to me.

Perhaps it was too much of keeping things within that numbed the senses.

Sunday, I awoke and felt alright, felt that I could try again. Try what? I don’t know, perhaps to tolerate all his empty talk, or perhaps to try to allow him to try again. How many more tries? How many more disappointments? I don’t know. But perhaps when my heart becomes more and more numb, it’d be easier to try to let him try. And try. And try.
What exactly are you trying for? Do you know? Or are you even trying?

I guess… he’d never try to talk to me about all of these, even if he reads this.

Maybe some day he wouldn’t need to be afraid of losing me, and I wouldn’t need to wish that he would be, because I wouldn’t belong to him anymore.