I have my doubts

Supposedly, I am doing a "Job Assessment" with TJ Maxx department stores from 10 til 2 every weekday – 4 hours.

They have cut me loose "early" twice in a row now. "We don’t have anything for you to do, so you might as well go home."

I overheard that they are overstaffed.

As far as I know, they are getting paid to "let me work", and if that is so, aren’t they "cheating" by getting paid for four hours but working me only 3 or so?

I don’t mind going home early – no cut in my pay – but, hmmm.

This may be another thing I don’t understand, but it’s hard to see how this will work into employment, and, if it does, it will never pay a "living wage". I will be only slightly less desperate than I am now.

Nothing in the mail today; my former wife said she sent a TC a week ago Friday, and the rent is due now, and the credit card minimal payment is due next week. I don’t have enough to pay either one right now. Expecting that
TC, I did go ahead and pay the car insurance, so that card is nearly maxed out now.

Sigh. I just can’t get very excited, standing with my toes over the edge of this cliff. Things are working out as I expected – not in my favor, in case I’m not being clear enough. I am so deep in debt now that if that Disability doesn’t come through, I am, not to put too fine a point on it, fucked.

And not in a fun way. If I get homeless, I will lose everything – not just some things but Everything.

I should be freaking out, but why bother. I’ve seen this coming so it’s with faint surprise that I see it on the near horizon.

See, it’s like this: I crashed my car drunk, and that’s way illegal, so in a real sense, I did it to myself and no one should, will, or does, apparently, feel sorry for me; it’s my own fault.

Too bad I was so determined to live, eh? I shoulda just died in the wreck. It was only me that got hurt, if you don’t count the car I killed. I don’t remember it at all, but apparently, I was royally pissed off, seriously out of my mind with rage (there were witnesses) and drove like a madman across the Morrison Bridge, the one that has expanded steel decking on it that is like ice when it gets wet. I went to see the firemen who pulled me out of the wrecked car and they told me that was the worst accident they ever saw anyone come out of alive – and they see a lot of accidents on that bridge; it’s the most dangerous of the many that cross the river downtown.

The way things are working out, apparently I am getting what I deserved – too "easy" if I had just died in the wreck. No, I have to be conscious of that big mistake and to live long enough to suffer for it.

There’s going to be no Disability for me – "it’s your own fault". This job assessment is not going to work into a job – that’s part of the suffering too.

*****