just when things look darkest-

Friday, 11:12 am.

I slept well, surprisingly, I think, and it is daylight again. I restarted the computer (why did that defrag stop working? 8 year old computer) and checked the email. My high school friend Jhni says:

Hang in there! The drinking wasn’t working for you, and doesn’t sound like it will now. Drinking should be for fun, when it starts becoming a crutch it’s gotta go. Things will work out. I have $50 I can help with the insurance. Do they have a pay online or auto debit thing? I gotta leave for work at 7:30, can’t answer my phone again or check e-mail until after 5. And I’m off tomorrow. I can give you numbers or you can give me log ins, whatever works. I was in the same place a few months ago. Just losing one week of work almost put me under, especially after a few months of short work. You’ve had a while out, it will take a while to pull back. The problem is we were raised to believe that providing for yourself was a mark of success, then they pulled out the rug economically. Also unfortunately we are the last generation who take responsibility for our actions. That combined has really screwed us up. Not being able to pay bills does not define you. Wanting to, leaping at every chance you are given to, does define you and you’ve met those criteria. This is a Depression whether the government admits it or not. Call me this am or evening and I’ll pay part.
Jhni

***

My friend in Japan says:

Yes. One day at a time. We have ups and downs… Confidence is hard to keep in this volatile time.
 
Glad some people are helping you out of this. The first month is hard getting back on your feet, as it takes time from the day
1 of work to your first real pay check. Do be patient.  
Hang in there!
 
p.s. Thanks for your consideration, but I much prefer an advance notice than a last moment panic.
Please allow 2 weeks for assistance from this long distance low tech cat. 4P’s from the Navy days!
 
***

 By "consideration", she means that I didn’t tell her any of this because she’s been helping me for four years now, thousands of dollars in total, and I felt like a user, a leech.

We were married when I was in the Navy and she’s referring to a saying we had: Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. More than 4 Ps, but she remembers those days 29 years ago.
 
***
 
Another high school friend says he mailed a letter, with a check. An OD friend, whom I have known for 9 years or so is sending a check too.
I’m going to go, it looks like, from flat fucking broke to an embarrassment of riches.
 
Well, hardly, but you get the point.
 
I have been out of steady work since 2009. A month doing that rip-off medical transport thing, and six months finding out that charter bus driving is not my field, and more or less 4 years without much income. The bank account is looking like a windy, desolate desert and I’m feeling like…
 
BUT. I did not buy any of that bourbon I was considering. I kept that dry, so to speak. I quit drinking at all. I have had one or two sips – sips, tastes – since January, but have not bought ANY since January. I didn’t break anything. I didn’t scare the neighbors.
 
Thank you Zoloft!!! So what if getting a hard-on is tough. In the larger scheme of things, a hard dick is a low price to pay; I am still here.
 
***
 
VocRehab finally came through, they said in an email, with a $25 dollar gas card, and I have to estimate whether or not I have enough gas left to pick up the voucher and drive miles to Fred Meyers (Your one-stop shopping!) to get the card, and a mile or two more to get to their gas station. $25 will get me less than half a tank, but thank god my Caliber is 1. good on gas mileage and 2 has a small gas tank. Running a fuel-injected car out of gas is very bad, and I don’t have AAA any more – couldn’t afford the renewal.
***
I have a job, in name, even if I have not been really working. This is the best possible time for employers, they can pick and choose between desperate people, 5 people for each job, and can hold that over your head: "It’s nothing personal, it’s just business" when you don’t work out to their expectations. The job has been SLOW to pick up, and the lack of money is of course, not their concern – my lack of money, that is, and if I can’t do the job because I can’t afford to, well, there are four other people who will gladly step up.
 
***
Shit. This is not the country I was born into, but if you are poor, white, single and childless, well fuck you. Fuck you if you do have kids – "shouldn’t have had them if you can’t afford them".
 
***
Today is another day. Onwards. Ears drooping and tail dragging, but, ONWARDS.

 

*****