My Funeral

I was talking with Adam- he used to work at Arclight and he was going over all the different foods that were deep fat fried and how you can pretty much do it to anything.  They got those disgusting deep fat fried twinkies in Vegas which I have yet to try.

I turned to Adam and said with the utmost sincerity,

"Adam, when I die…I want you to deep fat fry me."

He readily agreed and had the idea of laying me down on a bed of lettuce for the open casket funeral.  Dipping sauces for the friends of the deceased.  Everyone can pay their respects by breaking off a piece and then eating it, so everyone can take a piece of me with them forever.  Then when you get the runs it’ll be like saying bon voyage.  flush.

Adam told me about Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes being blown out of a cannon over a creek in Colorado.  Holy shit, that’s fantastic, I thought- I want that!

So we modified our original plan.  I get deep fat friend and then they shoot me out of a fucking cannon.  Except if I’m getting shot out of a cannon I really want to demolish something in my path- like sink a pirate ship or something.  Since there’s no pirate ships around I thought we could take it to Echo Park pond, where they have those paddle boats that couples rent out and I bet I could sink one of those fuckers.  So they’ll shoot me out of a cannon, and a flock of ducks will swoop in and start to eat me- in mid air mind you, all the while I’m still gaining altitude.

At the peak of my climb a bunch of fireworks will burst out of my stomach wall (with a healthy dose of explosives) and I’ll blow up into a million corn flakes, raining on the paddle boat couples below.

That’s when Adam will push the play button on the portable cd player, blasting The Who’s "Reign O’er Me" for emotional impact.  Meanwhile most of the ducks are falling from the sky- dead from the explosion and Marty shrapnel piercing their skulls.  They’ll fall like missles, striking the boats beak-first and sinking the horrifed onlookers.

On the front page of the L.A. Times will be a black and white picture of a serious duck with the headlines screaming, "14 Ducks Perish In Funeral Fiasco!"

Adam said he’d fund it and use it as a tax write-off.  It’s worth it just to explain it to the IRS. 

"Don’t you get it??!! We deep fat fried my friend, fed him to his family and shot him out of a cannon over echo park where he was eaten by ducks and exploded before they could finish!"

"RAAAAINNNN ONNN MEEEEE!," he’d start crooning and acting out the song.

Anyway, that’s how I’m gonna go.  You definitely don’t want to miss it.