Epic Vegas Entry (Highlights and Lowlights)
Epic Vegas Entry (Highlights and Lowlights) Part 1: Trekkies
I have a girlfriend named Magan. No lie. I swear, it’s true.
Anyway, we drove out to Vegas last weekend and I wrote down some of our highlights and lowlights of the trip.
Highlights (Marty)
1. My brother Barry reads The Walrus and the Carpenter from Alice in Wonderland. He was really tired and wanted to go to bed, but he humored Magan and I with an awesome performance- complete with wonderful character voices. I also played the role of audiobook on our drive out to Vegas, but all my characters sounded the same. Barry put me to shame.
Highlights (Magan)
1. Star Trek Experience.
(my words but her choice) At the Hilton Casino there’s a spectacular Star Trek makeover to part of the casino- complete with space bar, Quark’s restaurant and even the men’s room was from the future! A fucking urinal talked to me while I was taking a piss. It told me how much mass I was losing and then wished me luck. I was afraid it was going to say something else and I wouldn’t be able to pee. Magan was upset that the woman’s room didn’t get the same treatment. I’m not a Trekkie and I loved pointing out that there was a series of Star Wars slot machines about 50 feet away from the entrance.
The decor is just the tip of the iceberg though, so there’s two rides- one involving a simulator and the other involving a 4d presentation. That stuff cost some dough, but we could come back the next day and go again- Barry and Magan had tickets and then Magan gave up hers the next day so I could go. Pretty sweet. PLus they got a little discount from a coupon. Before the rides you get to look at a ton of props and costumes from the movies, and tv shows, a giant enterprise hangs from the ceiling- I guess this is the only extensive collection, so they had everything you would want to see, including Spock’s tomb. Every time Barry would pass it he would take a moment to bow his head and worship- even if we were running to the next ride.
The best thing about both rides was the build-up to them. You start in a room with Trekkies standing around- you got actors in Star Trek attire, telling you everything is cool- of course something goes wrong, enemies are attacking the ship- that kind of crap. Some actors are committed to their roles, ridiculously so, and some seem half-assed. I loved how the actors would be going nuts about the invaders on board and meanwhile the tourists are barely reacting at all- I was smirking. I wanted to get into it and scream, "WE’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!!!" So they tell you to hurry along and to follow the designated safety lines on the floor (basically so you don’t get in the actor’s way and clothesline a Klingon) and there’s another actor- she’s trying to help our group and suddenly she gets pulled up into the ceiling- and she’s screaming. Pretty cool. They tell us to move along because we’re next and there’s some ugly dude on our tail, but luckily the door closed on him just in time. Wonder what would happen if I played hero and tackled the actor in the ugly mask.
anyway, we finally get to the 4d part of the ride- sitting in some cushy chairs- with 3D glasses and the 4d part involves getting poked in back by some invisible enemies (much like The Bug’s Life ride) More disturbing was the invisible rapist that kept kneading my ass under the seat- it had nothing to do with what was going on on the screen- the chair was probably some old Brookstone reject with some of its memory surfacing. Anyway, Barry and I were grinning from the beginning till the end of the ride- not because of the ass massage- fun stuff.
The 2nd simulator ride was so-so because you could see the seams on the screen- sort of took away from the illusion- the projected image didn’t look flawless- but like the first ride- the build up was fantastic. Greatest mind fuck- you start off in this one room and the lights go out and air is shooting up at you from the floor. The lights come back up and everything around us is completely different. Too cool to describe, I only wish I had dropped my pants in the dark to intensify the effect.
Downstairs you got the restaurant with characters walking around, spouting off Star Trek bullshit- because that’s all they know. One character asked Magan what she was reading and when she showed him her Alice in Wonderland book he gave her a pained look and said,
"Could you just say it’s a Star Trek book?" I guess because he never took an improvisation class.
There’s the gift shop- they sell Tribbles, t-shirts, signed posters, Romulin Ale and Sulu Hot Sauce. I got Magan a Spock teddy bear.
My old buddy Vincent actually spotted me while I was waiting for Magan and Barry to get off a ride. I hadn’t seen Vincent since ’98, so it was a trip when he called my name and he descended the stairs with his fellow trekkies. He was overstimulated by the experience, not to mention the fact that he was getting married on Monday. He looked exactly the same, just furrier…much like an Ewok. The best part about Vincent’s group was the specific reaction to a piece of information. When Magan was introduced to the group someone asked if she was a Star Trek fan.
"Original series only," she said.
Four of the Trekkies gasped. A couple went, "whoa." as in, "We better not continue this conversation." One of the greatest reactions ever- loved that moment.
I guess I would say, "Original series only" if someone gave me a Star Wars question like that.
Anyway, so we were basking in all the Star Trek glory. We get back from Vegas a couple days later and see a show at the Geffen Theatre, which is where I work now. It’s the premiere of a show called, "Shipwrecked!" and I get in for free- plus it counts as work hours, so I get paid to see it. Magan and I are in the lobby feeling awkward because everyone’s in suits and its all posh- we look like Sid and Nancy and everyone’s drinking wine and hobknobbing. I swear someone had a monocle. I turn to the left and spot Leonard fucking Nimoy…of the original Star Trek series. SPOCK!! And Magan had her fucking Teddy Spock Trek doll with her!! I guess Magan spotted him a second earlier, but lapsed into denial until I pointed it out…then she was freaking out a bit- texting at a billion miles an hour to everyone she knew. I tried coaxing her into showing him the doll, but she was too much in awe.
The show was fun by the way. Moving on.
On the way out I timed it so we would be walking in front of Leonard Nimoy so we could eavesdrop. Then I go in reverse so Nimoy and his wife are in front of me.
"Well Mr. Nimoy," his wife said teasingly, "Did you enjoy the show?" Nimoy mumbled something positive, yes there were some funny things, blah blah.
Magan hadn’t even noticed that I abandoned her and when she turned to grab m
y arm she grabbed Nimoy’s jacket. His wife gave her a look.
I think Magan came at that moment.
perfect ending to this Star Trek week. Oh and the Star Trek sexual innuendos were entertaining. I think we were talking about that great Spaceballs line,
"Snotty beamed me twice last week…it was wonderful"
Then Barry started riffing- maybe I can remember some of them later- or you can provide your own here!
Magan and I had a rough week before going out to Vegas-some unexpected bad luck, but this trip was just a fantastic distraction. I’ll list the rest later.