Like the deserts missed the rain

I don’t really feel like writing an entry but am forcing myself too I guess. 

I talked to my friend Kristy on msn last night.  Couldn’t believe it when I saw her online cos I haven’t spoken to her in God knows how long.  She apparently caught up on all my entries so I dunno if that’s a good or a bad thing lol.  She seems to be doing well.

I went out to the Coffee Club with Aaron last night.  He got a tattoo.  Haha I knew he would.  It’s pretty cool and is a Garbage symbol, which means a lot to him.  Good on him I say.  He’s still in a bit of pain, but he didn’t really show it last night.  I told him my situation with Luke, and there wasn’t really a reaction, but I was trying to tell if there was.  I thought i saw a hint of ‘better-back-off-a-bit’ in his eyes.  I’ll soon find out I guess.  That wasn’t my intention.  I just had to tell him.

Mark wants to come over here again one night this week.  God I hope I don’t do something stupid like I did last time, as fun as it was at the time.  Oh well.  Who cares really.  I just figure if I’m gunna have a normal friendship with the guy I’ll have to NOT have sex with him, cos that’s not a friendship, that’s fuck-buddies.  And..umm no.  No way. 

I guess the only other thing that’s been going on lately is the confused mess in my mind.  After hanging out with Lindsay on Monday night, and talking to him all about my situation and how Luke doesn’t wanna talk to me, I guess I’ve gone all emotional.  I keep thinking about him, and how wonderful it would be to have him back.  It’s weird, but like I said to Lindsay, he was the perfect boyfriend.  And whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I think it’s also the fact that the more time he spends not talking to me, the more he’ll get over me and move on.  When maybe I really do want him.  "It’s not about what others want, it’s about what you want".  I just don’t understand, I don’t wanna get back into a rut after a few months of a relationship again – I wanna experience the same love every day as you do when you first realise you’re in love with someone.  That is the best feeling ever, and it’s stupid how it seems to wear off.  Like sooo many of my friends are children of divorced parents.  It’s unreal.  I look at a lot of older couples and see them fighting, and examples like Frank and marie from Everybody Loves Raymond, or Al and Peg from Married With Children – at least in that one Peg makes an effort.  Lukey will always have a place in my heart, and I know he’s only doing this to make our friendship stranger in the long run.  But not being able to talk to someone who means so much to me really is difficult.  It’s been 4 days now without a peep of communication.  I hope he’s doing okay.  I drive past his work on the way to work, always looking to see if his car is in the carpark.  Usually it is, he does work a lot.  And yeh, I miss him.  I miss a lot of things about him.  Hopefully we’ll talk again sometime soon.  I’ve gone to msg him a few times, and then thought, ‘no i can’t, it wouldn’t be right.  It’s against what he wants right now’.  But Lindsay reckons he’s the one who’s decided to do this, not me, and I should message him as much as I like.  Dammit I hate when he’s logical 🙂