leftovers and excuses

It’s perfect that he’s downstairs playing his video games, because I need to get this out. I envisioned myself actually spilling it out to him while I drink this beer, but I should know better. And he wouldn’t know what to say, anyway. Which is fine, there is never a right thing to say. But I’m sure he’d rather be shooting monsters.

I bought my mother a bigger gift than usual this year, more than just flowers (which aren’t cheap, either). Since my sister disowned her, over ridiculous reasons, I felt I should pick up some of the slack.

I tried to remember, on my way home, a good memory I have of my sister that didn’t end up in disaster. Something beyond when we were little and everything is a blur. I thought I had one, when we went to Orlando for her boob job. I remember getting our hair done, and things going smoothly. But then, the rest of the time she was medicated, since she felt like a truck ran her over. Then I remembered a time we went to Niagara Falls with my father, and maybe that went alright. But I also think that’s the time he nearly drove us off a cliff.

It hurts to think of the reality of things, so I try not to. I just say she’s crazy, laugh a little, brush it off. Of course I wish I had a sister who was mentally stable, who I could actually hang around with and be close with. But I don’t even think she likes me much. Since she moved into that foster home in high school, I knew she didn’t like her real family much. I usually just chalk it up to being dysfunctional, everyone is a little bit, right? Sometimes I let it take over though, and I don’t want to. I want to know how to fix my way of thinking so her mental illness doesn’t become mine. That’s her deal.

I’m fine, without her in my life. And I guess that’s what I’m trying to cope with. That things are more peaceful when she doesn’t call. Or message with something impossible to respond to. I’m too tired of it all to try very hard. I think my mother is too tired to respond anymore.

Anyway he’ll be talking to his video game friends for a while.

Beer, I love. Beer with 8% alcohol, I don’t know if I can live without it anymore.