sweaty palms, yum.

luke is sleeping in again. it’s 7:23.
this is sooooo weird. he has me programmed to be up by like, 6:30 everyday…so i fee like i’ve been sitting around every morning waiting for him. is this a one year old thing? do they usually start sleeping in like this or something? this is so weird to me.

i can’t believe he only has 2 days left as a baby.
two freaking DAYS.

i’ve been very nostalgically looking at his tiny squishy newborn pictures and remembering things about him. i miss it. but of course this easy sleeping in 1 year old business is kind of awesome. i don’t think i’ve realized the depth of how much i miss it yet, though. last night i had a very vivid dream about having another baby. and two days ago when i was thinking about luke as a newborn i noticed how EMPTY i felt. like, literally, like it’s wrong for there to be nothing (or no one, rather) in my uterus. how freaking weird is that? especially since i hated being pregnant. maybe i’m finally getting over the mental trauma of pregnancy & child birth, and instead nearing full-throttle baby fever. i think it’s a very real possibility. the dangerous part is if i even hinted at that matt would be like, LETSGO!, and i’d probably be with child tomorrow. but no. i need a house. i neeeeeeeeeeed a house.

it amazes me….the little BOY luke has grown into.
there are so many levels to be amazed by.
what he’s turn into after only one measly year. how i didn’t even have to try to gender-ize him, he just came out grunting and punching and every day he expresses his manhood in some form of destruction or love of food or things with wheels. how i’ve gotten to witness his progression in every teeny tiny step, like sitting and watching a flower bloom. it’s just been so…amazing.

it makes me laugh, thinking of who he is and who he’ll be.
just the other night….after a series of events i couldn’t help but laugh at what a man he’d been! first, he ate a huge bowl of spaghetti for dinner. and i mean huge, for a baby….like, i had a very similarly sized portion. when he was finished i put him on the floor with some cars so i could eat mine….and instead, he stalked me for bites of mine even though it was the same thing he just had. i ended up sharing mine with him because, i just can’t help myself. he was yelling at me to shovel it in faster, and at one point he was yelling at me so anxiously while he already had a bite in his mouth, so he choked. even through his choking he was asking for more! he worked himself up SO much, that he seriously….barfed on me. yeah. and then as soon as the barf was cleaned up, he started asking for more.

only a man. or….a dog.

anyway. i feel like i’m going through a little coping process right now, saying goodbye to my first baby. which i guess is stupid? it’s not like HE is going anywhere. and i AM very overly excited for all the fun toddler stuff in our near future (i really really love the next few years, toddlers & preschoolers are pimp). but there’s just something…..something i feel like i have to say goodbye to, and it makes me sad. i know i’ll have more (God willing) so maybe i shouldn’t feel this way but there’s just something about my FIRST BABY, not being a BABY. i’m really sad about saying goodbye to that. there are so very many times i would have pressed a pause button had there been one at my disposal and i never could. it’s heartbreaking how fast it goes.

sorry. this will all be over in a few days lol.

in other news……this antibiotic is making my hands sweaty. seriously. wtf is that???