4/7/2001

I have been crying since last night. It is silly in reality but I am a silly and fussy person after all.

I told Alex that I love him so much that it hurts.

He told me that he loves me the same and it hurts him too but I should remember that I am his best friend.

At the very least I am his best friend.

Well Yes, He is my BEST friend! We are cosmic twins after all. Lovers are suppose to be good friends or it can never work out.

I love him so very much! I don’t expect him to lose his breath over me! When I chose to love him it was unconditional. His friendship and his love has been a blessing to me. I don’t want to jeapordize our sacred bond. It is special. It feels special! I have never been so happy in my entire life!

I feel so comfortable around Alex.

I guess I need to hear that he desires me and is not afraid to come to me.

I guess I need to belong to him.

Although I am not an object but an individual I need to really be a part of someone else and feel needed.

I want to be needed.

I think that is a legitamite need.

I don’t want him to be a mere ‘friend’. I have tons of male friends around. I love him in a special way and although I understand that he is my very best friend…my soul mate I desire him.

I don’t ‘need’ him to define myself as a woman, though, but I desire and want him as my man.

I hope he desires me as ‘his’ woman too and calls out to me.

Maybe I need to be unavailable for awhile.

Men go crazy when their women ignore them for a bit.

They crave them more.

It is hard, though…to ignore Alex. I have to wean myself from constantly e-mailing him..sending him messages….chasing him. Let him chase me for a change.

Men love the thrill of the hunt.

I feel a bit ashamed for chasing him 🙁

I just can’t help it.

I LOVE him.

But I will refrain from writing him for a day or two.

I don’t know, man…I am irritated.

on one side there is my pride. I’d hate anyone to pretend they feel something for me just out of pitty.

I hate that!

I’d rather be alone than have someone love me out of pitty and talk to me because they feel they should or are obliged to.

I see through pretenses!

I am a very intuitive person.

On the other hand I am still tired from my Bronchitis.

I still feel tightness around my chest and am still coughing pretty much. 🙁

No wonder I haven’t felt pretty much myself. ;o0

Still with all I’ve been through I can’t believe I have zest.

Man, I have a strong will! Though I weaken and feel frail I still tick on.

I Love him so much!

I went to the Avenue for air. It is a beautiful spring day. I had lunch at Jalapeños. The Ranch Burger was delicious along with the fries. It feels a little heavy right now. I feel it in my stomache.

I travelled to the florist. I got 4 red long-stemmed roses and arranged them on a vase and placed it in my room.

Yesterday I made “Honey Mustard Chicken” It came out heavenly! I will have the leftover tonight.

I have started a recipe website of my favorite recipes.

It is absolutely nice!

I have added all the new recipes I have made during the past year. My mother should be proud of me.

Mary’s Favorite Recipes

I will keep adding recipes and perhaps make a database of recipes.

SensualRose @}>->->->-