journaling some thoughts

This weekend is my "free" weekend. Normally every other weekend I am sick from chemo and every other weekend I am working. Since I have finished my four tough rounds of chemo, I will be switching to a new chemo drug. I decided then to switch treatment days from Thursday to Tuesday. So, I should’ve had a treatment yesterday and I would be looking at a chemo sicky weekend. But now I get to wait until Tuesday. So now I have Friday, Saturday and Sunday off and I feel great. I have my strength back and my appetite. I plan on living it up this weekend.

John started farming tonight. He is plowing with the big, big tractor. It has 12 tires on it. I know I posted a picture of it on here before. I don’t know how to post pictures on open diary even though all my pictures are on photo bucket.

My mom came home for my third round of chemo. She had made me really upset because she was in denial about my cancer and it’s severity. She kept saying things like "you never know, you might not get very sick." and " you might not lose your hair" It was hard for her to be here over the holidays and deal with my feelings and try to deal with her at the same time. Mom and dad both came home when I first got my diagnosis and they stayed a month while I was having surgeries and such. After that they left. I was pretty bitter and resented them for leaving me while I am fighting for my life. I couldn’t imagine leaving my daughter if she was going through this.

So, mom decided she was going to fly home a week and help me with the kids and house while I had a chemo treatment. It was a surprise. I didn’t know she was coming. She came on a Wednesday night and Thursday morning we had to get up and go get chemo. She watched me be sick on the couch. She experienced my pain. She wiped my tears. She had a hard time leaving me after a week. I think she’s not in denial now.

Now they have left AZ and are headed to Missourri. They will be state park campground hosts for a month there and then come home. At least they will only be a 8 hour drive away.

My sisters and brothers have been pretty good to me throughout all this. Although, I have to tell you that the "news" wears off and people just go on about their lives. I mean at first I got cards, flowers, meals and visits from people. Especially after my surgeries. Now I am in the middle of my chemo and people are just going about their own business. People get busy and life goes on. I will be taking chemo treatments until June 16th. It’s going to be a long journey.

There’s so much about this journey that I need to write in here. So many thoughts going through my head. So many things have changed. I am going to try to write more often and get some of this stuff down.

Thanks for all your wonderful notes. I have missed OD and my friends here.