cancer shmancer

I have to say my anxiety level is pretty high right now. I start my new chemo drugs tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it. I have no idea how my body is going to respond to the new drugs. Every week is going to get so tiring. Just thinking about the calendar makes me feel discouraged. This is going to be such a long road to travel to get through all of these treatments.

One of the main side effects of this new chemo drug is extreme fatigue. I hope I don’t have that. I wonder how sick I will feel. I wonder if I will be able to eat. I hope I don’t have to get those shots anymore.

On the other chemo drugs I would have to go and get a shot the day after treatments. The shots are $3000.00 a piece. They stimulate your bone marrow to produce white blood cells. The shots give you bone pain. It was like getting the flu every other week for 3 or 4 days. I would be so sick on the couch.

I have a rash that ‘s bothering me so bad it kept me up lastnight worrying about it. It has been near my surgery sight ever since I’ve had surgery. There is a rare type of breast cancer that presents itself with a rash. My oncologist noticed it and says he’ll keep an eye on it. I want him to run whatever tests necessary to rule out this rare type of cancer. I was up at 3am just worrying and wondering about this rash. What if if is that rare type of cancer?

These are the things/changes that I’ve noticed about me since I’ve had cancer:

* I will say what’s on my mind. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings but i don’t have time to play games with people. If you upset or frustrate me I will tell you. I have said things lately to my mom and sisters that I never would’ve said before having cancer.

*I can’t concentrate for very long periods of time. I try to read and I have to keep repeating the same paragraphs over. It’s very frustrating.

*My job is just a job. I will not get upset or worried about it. There are other bigger things in life to worry about. i won’t let my job bother me.

*I can cry at anytime for any reason. Sometimes it’s something that someone has said, a song, a commercial or just because I feel like crying.

*I’ve realized that cancer will divide your life in half…forever. For the rest of my life everything will always be before cancer and after cancer. My life will never be the same. This is a life long sentence. I will always wonder when and if it will ever come back again.

I know that there is alot more about me that has changed but this is all that I can think of for now. i just wanted to journal some of this stuff.