Alcohol

How do I say this?  How do you admit to yourself you have a problem?  I have a problem with drinking.  Some people may not understand, because they don’t have this internal urge to get fucked up.  I don’t know what it is, but something inside me screams.  “time to get fucked!” and once that urge comes calling it is very hard to resist.  I try, and sometimes I can fight it, but usually I will give in.  It started off with just partying with friends, because when I started drinking it gave me more social acceptance among my peers.  As time progressed I realized that I was starting to do it “just because” not for celebration or to be social.  Now I think, I do it because I am lonely.  Because I work nights, I sometimes feel segregated from society.  I now pretty much drink any free chance I get.  It is beginning to affect my health, my diet, my life.

I use to have a problem with weed, but I dealt with that and rarely smoke now.  But in a sense, I just converted that buzz with the buzz of alcohol.  Practically every weekend I get drunk, get a buzz multiple times during the week.  My tolerance for alcohol is ridicolous now.  I can drink 7 beers and have the buzz that I use to get off of 1.

I hate that I drink.  I don’t act like myself, things are out of control.  I wonder if others think I am a drunk?  Although most of my drinking happens alone, because I have nothing “better” to do, might as well have a couple drinks to numb the pain.  I think I hide it pretty well.  I can be pretty drunk and seem completely sober.  I’m sick of not being conscience of falling asleep and waking up feeling like crap.

Anyway, I am going to start writing again, this is going to be my journal to clear my head.  I will write to keep my mind occupied from drinking.  Self medication if you will.  I can, and will quit drinking.  I don’t think I will tell anybody, excpet those I really trust which really there are only 2 people I can say this stuff to.  I won’t tell my family, because I don’t want to let them down.  Especially after my parents have repeatedly told me that alcoholism runs in the family and to be careful around alcohol… but did I listen? Of course not, because I am stronger than that and wouldn’t fall for such a stupid thing.

I will just order coke when I go out now.  Beer doesn’t exist anymore on menu’s, bars don’t serve it.  As long as I stay away from it I should be ok… because I know if I start drinking, I can’t stop.

Today is Day 1.

Music of the Moment: Mad  Caddies – Spare Change
Today I Feel: hung over.