An update for the hell of it.

 Umm sooo…What is there to write about this afternoon?

 

PUPPY!!!  The house is almost set for the puppy. and we should have him around the end of next week. I’m excited. I fucking love that we are getting a new puppy. It’s been such a long time, and not being in the kennel anymore just makes it even better that we are getting the puppy. I miss all my old pups, but having not met any new canine faces in awhile…it’s only right that this one be part of the family. 

 

Ummm…Phone is broken. I can still use it but it’s bothering me now. 

 

I could rant about how stupid my sister is….but I think I will save that for my next entry. 

 

I am zen today.  Calm mind. Mostly because I know a certain somebody is going to be at a party (a bday celebration thing) and the chances of dipshit assholes being there is likely. And what can I say I am a bit protective lol. But also at the same time…I kinda am shrugging it off. I still care….a lot….but I think I am figuring out (slowly) how to not care again. Which seems to be something I desperately need. 

 

Gonna probably spend the evening forcing myself into activities that will occupy my mind

Gonna spend my evening watching UFC and drinking. Yeah…I like that better. 

 

How about you all tell me what you all think the importance of those songs was before I actually write an entry about em.  

 

I just realized…I’m actually kind of in the perfect position in regards to her. Either she figures her shit out and remembers that I am the best there is…true story…or she doesn’t and I get to get over her. Either way I win. lol  No doubt shit’s gonna be difficult but I’m THE fucking KING. I’m the kind of guy fairy tales are made of lol. 

 

Also had a weird dream last night that involved me being stuck holding an alligators mouth shut at a bar…it was odd

 

Alright I aint got shit to talk about…back to work. 

PPPUUUUPPPPPPPPYYYYY!!!!!!

King out. . 

 

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Alllrririiighhhttyyy…So I am a little wee bit lit…and I have made a decision.  I am going to delete her from fb…since that is the main way we communicate now…Remove the temptation and the urge and I’ll be able to regain my control and remember how not to care about her again.  I love her…I do…but fuck it…Who am I kidding…I’ve held out faith for her for a long time….if she isn’t seeing me for what I am now…then she probably never will….so Time to go allllll MEEEE XD  

If she reads this…hmmm what do I want to say to her….

Ya know what…SONGS!!!! BECAUSE THEY WORK

 

This song is me… Listen to the lyrics…dancing with your ghost, song keeps repeating, I can’t move on and I can’t stay the same.  Holding on to blind faith and struggling to move on from you, but knowing that something has to change. Turn the key and engine over, turn the record over, let somebody else lay at her feet….Get over you, leave, move on…let somebody else hold on to that faith. Have you seen my heart? Do you see how it bleeds, and the nights are so long baby, out here in the deep the tick tick ticking of hours lonely….fucking me worrying about you and shit and waiting on you…lonely as fuck…passing up quite a few opportunities based on that faith in you.   Let her go, let somebody else lay at her feet  where you used to be ….here with me….except wait…you were never with me cus you never gave it a shot. ;P 

 

Mulholland drive…the song…above 45…is me wondering  things…wondering if I ever cross your mind.  If you ever think of me. My own feeling of how if I give up on that faith in you that I’d be giving up on myself in a way…that if i gave up on that faith that the chances of me actually finding someone die with it. I was aching to hear you say,  ‘I’d just die if you ever took your love away’   Me wanting so badly for you to appreciate me and love me. "And I can still recall the hour, when you first let down your walls I thought I might’ve died right there floating up above it all, but it scared you love to need someone so you killed it all instead"  you’re refusing to let down your walls to me…the tried and tested person that has proven his worth time and time again….and you killing any chance of anything happen over and over again and not taking the chance. "And did you miss me when I’m gone?  And the simple things we used to rely on? Who came to wipe your tears away? Who came to bring back your dignity baby?"   Whenever you do your disappearing act shit…did you ever miss me…will you miss me?   Who is gonna wipe your tears and make you feel better when I’m gone?  Will you realize then that I was always there for you? That when things got shitty for you that you always turned to me?

 

 

 

And this song "Here’s Looking At You Kid"  is me YEEEAARRSS down the road….when I finally found the person that loves me back as I once loved you. When/if you ever realize that you should have given me a try. XD  

I do love ya babe…but this….this whole…me loving you so damn much and clinging to such blind faith and getting nothing in return…It’s fucking torture. And yeah it may take a long long …loooonnnngg time for me to find that someone that will love me as I love them. But that long long looooonnnngg lonely time seems a hell of a lot better than this.   I love you…and I honestly say that with every fiber of my being. I have no doubt about the fact that I love you. And I don’t think you have any doubts about it either.  But  I’m sitting here tonight…knowing you’ve had quite a bit to drink, and knowing

that you are at a party and that there are dudes there…more than likely usual dbags…and worrying about you and worrying that you are doing shit with them…and that I am the farthest thing from your mind…it’s torture…It literally pains me…and in hindsight…having those last couple drinks may have been a bad idea…cus it seems to have made it worse…but…I don’t think you’ve ever even thought about what it feels like to be in my shoes. You’ve never been the one wanting to be with someone and having them dismiss you, you’ve always been the one sought after. Yeah, you have your shit going on…but fact is…my life is shit right now too….and I don’t push people away. God …I would kill to have someone there for me…someone to calm me down and reassure me when it all bears down on me and I start to freak out….I may be an arrogant king and what not, but I have moments of weakness and I need reassurance and someone to have faith in me….cus right now…I don’t really have anybody and that sucks lol    I’m all on my own…like I’ve always been. You are choosing to be on your own….but you dont have to be….I wish I had the choice to not be alone…but I don’t. You don’t know what it’s like in my shoes babe….I love you….I genuinely…100% know that.  But sometimes the heart is wrong  and the mind needs to takeover. The window is still there for you to change that….but I am working on it now.   Like I said…I love you…but whatever. 
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EDIT 5/27

So, Idk if it alerts you in your bookmarks or what have you whenever I edit an entry or what have you, but I don’t want to write a new entry just yet.  So I wanna edit and add on to this one. 

So wanna know how my morning started….I had kind of 2 dreams. 1 was nice but also not nice. And the other ended with me waking up swinging for the fences….accidentally punched my wall…recoiled back…fell off of my bed. So that’s how my day started….Joy.  

But the nice dream reminded me of something said…"If you love me…" Ya know what…FUCK THAT SAYING GOD DAMNIT!!!  If you are about to say something that starts with "If you love me…"  Then fuck you.  It’s an unfair saying….and it seems to be used as nothing more than a weapon to keep people hanging around and trying to prove that they care while the person that says it doesn’t give a flying fuck. Fuck "if you love me"   because ya know what….I’ve proven myself. Over and over again. How about I turn it around   If you love me…even in the most basic of forms …you would act differently and not be selfish all the fucking time.  Another thing said… about you not trying to get me to talk about all of my shit…YEAH ya know why you’re not?  Because you don’t care if I’m alright or not. That’s the difference…I care and you don’t…or at the very least that’s how it all looks from over here.   

Sorry….that dream combination made me want to go on a lil rant.  

Happy Memorial Day XD