Lucid Dreams?

i would like to talk about this because it really interests me. i think i’m going to start keeping a dream diary (not on here) but i’ll touch upon it occasionally.

firstly, its very cool to be back on OD, i was writing before under a different name and it was ok, just alot of old baggage from a year ago that i didn’t feel like dwelling on anymore. the memories i find are like a drug. you see, the more you try to recollect, whether it be morbid curiosity or simply melancholic nostalgia, you truly are torturing yourself with the unreality of ever seeing these events come to fruition. at least thats what i concluded personally. some memories are truly lovely, some simply dehabilitating. i can’t explain it any other way, so i’ll get what i want off my chest and then its done.

there was this guy that i had a relationship with and he had many memorable attributes. we knew each other perhaps a few months and then we had a love that wouldn’t quit. i think that is what people talk about when they say "that once in a lifetime" type romance. anyhow..it was fleeting and filled with painful days to follow. i don’t feel that it was worth it in the long run..to have loved and lost than never loved at all. simply because i hurt my true love in the process. i was naive and weak, its the classic tale of youthful mistakes. however, i wouldn’t dare sum this up in such a cliche format. it was much more, you just have to believe me.

the long story being brought to a close..i had my first real LUCID dream, and he was in it. although i hadn’t thought of him in ages, there he was, plain as day in my dream. so i asked him questions, we hung out, it was strange. i knew i was dreaming and still wanted to stay. i couldn’t understand why i wanted to suffer in such a way, dreams have the ability to let you carry out fantasies and remain safe, yet i didn’t feel safe when i woke up. i believe that controlling dreams is a tricky business. i think its one idea to be having one of those great flying dreams, and quite another to dredge up a complex past of heartaches and not be affected afterwards. i mean the whole point is control right? sometimes this makes me think that it would be better if i simply left them alone..let it be that one area of my life that i didn’t have to maintain order. whatever happens, happens right?

all that being said. i am pregnant. hormonal no doubt..and its my first so i’m experiencing lots of new feelings. i have no idea who i am one day and the next day i can remember what kind of coffee you wanted, those 6 reports that needed tweaking and Kevin’s (husband who’s name is changed of course) needing a new toothbrush.

amazing.

i am cynical..romantic…morbid…lovely…insanely neurotic..a mess and above all a renewed woman. i love having purpose and just being me. i guess i’m a walking contradiction in many ways.

so welcome if you chose to read this far, i’ll be dedicated to this diary, sometimes rant about my work, sometimes about people on the freeway and other times about nothing at all..maybe just stories..who knows. i never really have a plan. but i love that.

recap:

-lucid dreamer/currently non practicing but occasional
-starting a diary and keeping up
-slightly neurotic and pregnant
-stay tuned!

current music must have:
-incubus ‘light grenades’