My first day back and it already hurts.

I miss talking to you. I miss reading everything you had to say. I miss worrying about you. I miss feeling like there was someone out there who just Got It. I miss you.

It does not matter, however, because you are just a few words made up of pixels on the otherwise empty screen of my computer. Maybe if I had a good reason to miss you, maybe if you were a little more physically real and a little less a character of the internet, I wouldn’t hate myself so much for missing you.

The funny thing is that I have never felt like this before. It’s such a cliché line, but how else can I say it? Really, this is new to me. Through every nonphysical relationship I have ever had, love-seeking or otherwise, I have never gotten so attached to anyone, especially in such way that lacks romantic interests.

You are a friend I never expected to find and one I now ache to be apart from. I hardly know you, yet I feel like you are everything I could ever want in a friend and more. You used to be the only reason I even turned on my computer, my stomach churning in hopes that you had posted something new or maybe happened to be on Skype. Now I don’t even get on OD because of both the disappointment that you probably haven’t been on either and the thought that, if I can no longer write for myself, who else am I writing for without you to read? It’s pitiful, really, that the only thing that was motivating me was the thought that you might read it and understand exactly how I felt because that’s just what you did. You made me feel a little less alone. You made me see that I didn’t have to pretend with everyone, that some people might actually like Me. You made me think that some people care enough to try to understand. You made ME understand. But now? Now I just don’t know.

If you read this, know that I mean it, every word. Maybe (hopefully) you understand it. And don’t yourself, it’s about you.

[Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. –Socrates]